Before I became a dad, I was truly concerned that I wouldn’t know how to be a good father
Thankfully, turns out it's in my blood. I come from a long line of Fathers.
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
Add btomine to uranium and hydrogen to get Br2UH ITS BRUH CHEMICAL
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
It gives me the E B G Bs
But her cousin cardio… now she really takes my breath away (A friend told me this when we had school and Jesus did it make me chuckle)
"I've gotta know, does Viagra really work?" The pharmacist replied, "it sure does. In fact, I use it myself." "Good to know. Can you get it over the counter?" "Well, yes, if I take two of them."
How could anyone stoop so low?
The bartender says “why are you so happy?” The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position you could imagine! It was unbelievable!” The bartender is impressed “sounds great! Was she hot?” “Not sure”, said the man, “I never found the head.”
I can't see them anywhere.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Security stops him and says there are no firearms allowed in this building.
It trained and trained, and finally went to try out for the koala national soccer team. And wouldn't you know it? It made the team! It was so excited. But the night before it's first big game… POOF! It turned into a giraffe. It got dis-koala-fied.
Sometimes he even laughs
Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
But when it does, no one is shocked.
I guess oppozits attract
One’s really heavy and one’s a little lighter.
It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen
It runs in your genes.
It's almost up to 5 TB.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
You're an eighth theist
Because he was in the middle of 9/11
So I just packed up my things and right
I mean you either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck into infinite loop of “go ask your mom”.
I hope you’re happy now.
It wouldn't stop ringing!
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
A fish stick! My 4 year olds first joke.