before newton discovered gravity
How do you put the pin back in a Grenade?
Quick answers please.
Why did nobody laugh when the king farted?
Noble gasses don't cause a reaction
It’s an exact model because the dna doesn’t change at all there’s just more of them
https://ift.tt/35YyhXa
Someone let me know if this joke already kind of exists
Never date a bread maker, They’re so kneady.
Why did the cowboy get a weiner dog?
Because he was told to get a long little doggie.
Why do people love whiteboards so much?
They're just remarkable
My cousin’s allergic to shellfish, and I giggled as I told him I put clams in his soup.
You should've seen his reaction…
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
An airline pilot, who didn’t realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:
"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!" That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit. Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss! Miss! You forgot the coffee!"
My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.
We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.
I played my dad in chess yesterday.
He didn't think he would win, but he just wanted to check.
Before I became a dad, I was truly concerned that I wouldn’t know how to be a good father
Thankfully, turns out it's in my blood. I come from a long line of Fathers.
Never treat a woman like an object…
It hates that.
I was gonna give archery a shot
But theres too many drawbacks Edit: Heckin thanks for the platinum!!!
A Bartender walks into a bar.
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
“Wow!” I say. “It’s climate change!”
My wife said that this subreddit was full of stupid, unfunny puns…
But this post I made a couple hours ago says otherwise
I don’t know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Why do trees look a little suspicious on sunny days?
They seem a bit shady.
I was walking down main street and there was a homeless man with a signt hat said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name? Me: “Username-valid ” Homeless man: “So username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don’t know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well username-valid, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
Doctor : “ How many times have you watched Mary Poppins?” Me: “About 50, Why?”…
Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ve got an umdiddleyumdiddleyumdiddley eye”
I went to a “Put An End To Sarcasm” meeting.
"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day. I said, "My legs."
Roses are red, my screen is blue
I think I deleted system32
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work
What do houses wear?
Address
If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.
In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
I love the way the earth rotates
It really makes my day.
I finally got someone to be my valentine!
I wish I could post this in any other sub.