they're so full of themselves.
I’m just in it for kicks.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused to eat, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly with him again.
It says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
Husband: Sometimes, but only by accident. Wife: What? How does it happen by accident? Husband: Well, sometimes when I'm pooping, I can't help it.
It is not stroganoff.
Love means nothing to them
Airport security, for example.
He reads lips Credit to https contagious laughter
They bring delight. My 7-year-old son told me this at the breakfast table this morning. He is going to be a great dad one day.
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I'll let you know
If they did, school shootings would involve a LOT more tea bagging.
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
When I woke up it was gone and there was a £1 coin in it's place. Fucking Bluetooth Fairy! Edit: Thank you kind redditer for the Gold.
He was a little chilly.
For formal occasions, I wear my James clothes.
1 or 2? 2 or 3?
I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!
He can now ride a bike without training wheels
It's not the end of the world
They were already stuffed!
Some asshole must have my pen.