BEHOLD! The Pokémon Fan Base!
Lent is the best time of the year to run a marathon.
Because that's when you fast.
My dad said if he see me browsing reddit again, he’ll smash my head to the keyboard
I guess hezsjkfowgajqjhsjwkwlsvvcaxxacfasuoc
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain
To keep each udder dry
My Great Uncle’s Final Words
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes. "Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you." My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired." Those were his last words.
A fourth grade biology teacher is asking a series of questions to her students
Eventually she asks "What part of the body can grow ten times its normal size when stimulated?" As soon as she asks that, a girl at the back of the class stands up and yells "EWW, THAT'S SO GROSS. HOW DARE YOU ASK THIS TO SMALL CHILDREN? I'M GOING TO TELL MY MOTHER ALL ABOUT THIS", then storms out of the classroom. After the class, the teacher calls the girl back in and says "Young lady, I just have three things to say to you. First, the answer to my question was the pupil; second, you have a very dirty mind for a child your age; and third, one day you're going to very, very disappointed"
Son: “Dad, did you know that in some cultures, you don’t get to know your wife until after your married?”
Dad: “Son, it’s that way in every culture.”
This was my reaction after seeing some older ninjago seasons again
This was my reaction after seeing some older ninjago seasons again
[NSFW] Senior Sex
A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer who was walking by, heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!"
When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive…
It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
Because it was two tired.
My daughter FINALLY got an ‘A’ on her essay!!
Only 1,999 more words to go!!
(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”
A cow with no lips!
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.
Where do Captain Hook and Darth Vader shop?
The second hand store.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate(8) 9. But why did 7 eat 9? Because you have to eat 3 squared meals a day.
What do you call a dinosaur with shoes on?
Zapatosaurus
My brother didn’t like jail
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
My son wanted some girl advice, so I told him, “If you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing.”
They are just big raisins.
My son said he wanted to become a pyromancer.
I told him it's much easier to woo a cake.
What room of a house does a ghost not need?
The LIVING ROOM
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair. We begged him to dye it black, but he refused. After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
– Do you know I’m finally going to watch “Back to the Future”?
– It's about time!
My wife thinks I should sing Solo
Solo that no one will hear me
I haven’t had sex since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
True fact: Before the crowbar was invented….
….most crows drank at home.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape
Breathe idiot, breathe!
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch…
They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
“Dad Are We Pyromaniacs?”
"Yes we arson…"
I’m gonna start a cocaine delivery service
I'll call it instagram
Hope we can still get it on
Hope we can still get it on
Have you heard about that guy who got his left hand cut?
He's alright now
My 7yo just pulled an UNO reverse dad joke on me.
Homework time.. complaining, I don’t wanna, etc. Me: Nicky, I’m getting upset. Nicky: Well, hello, Getting Upset, I’m Nicky. Then he dabbed and walked away. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this.
Smoking will kill you, bacon will kill you…
Smoking bacon cures it
Six topless women sounds nice
Dozen tit
A pregnant woman is hit by a car
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!" The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital." She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?" "I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them." "What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?" "He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor. "Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?" To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
I can always tell when I’m near an Indian restaurant
That's naan-sense, of course.
What do you call a constipated Sherlock Holmes?
The no-shit Sherlock!