BEHOLD! The Pokémon Fan Base!
Archaeologists digging on a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.
Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests
He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "JESUS CHRIST, you're back AGAIN?"
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner…
…you become a vacuum cleaner. And furthermore, true house cleaners aren't just born, they're maid.
Turned up late to a cannibal lunch…
Got the cold shoulder 🙁
A guy marvels at himself in the mirror
Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING" His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN"
A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint.
Both crews have been marooned.
Genders are just like the twin towers…
There used to be two, but now its a sensitive subject.
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill. "$3", says the bartender. The man just for fun goes on and places $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up. This happened for 3-4 days and everyday the bartender felt humiliated. Next time, he orders a beer but couldn't find three $1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of this man. He then places the two $1 coins at the opposite ends of the table. Now, with a shrewd smile and with all the excitement he goes to the man and says, "Go on, collect your change". The man then takes out a $1 coin from his pocket and puts it in front of the bartender and says, "One more beer please."
What do you get when you mix a caribou with an antelope?
A cantaloupe! *yesterday at work, my stupid brain called a caribou a cantaloupe because i couldn't remember the name and was thinking of an antelope too. If this isn't original, I'm sorry. But my brain farts come up with interesting answers!
Why can’t ants get Covid-19?
They have tiny little antibodies…
I met a group of highly trained Fly Killers the other day
First time I've ever seen a SWAT team.
“Hello 911.” “What’s your emergency?” “These men won’t stop laughing.” “That’s annoying, but not a crime.”
“Wtf is manslaughter then.”
What kind of flour do you buy an orphan
Self raising flour
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.
When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!
Innovative Solutions
In order to streamline my work from home process, I’ve hired my cat as a part-time advisor.User: My laptop won’t connect to the VPN.Me: Consults my advisorMe: Have you tried pushing it off of the table and onto the floor?
Damn girl, are you a toaster?
Because a bath with you would send me to heaven.
What does a house wear
Adress
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I've got two half sisters.
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
My landlord wants to talk to me about my high heating bills every month.
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
What do you call a Werewolf YouTuber?
Lycansubscribe
My wife and I are finally visiting San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What would you do when we see it? Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure.
I got gas today for $1.39
Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
My wife says she’s like a microwave.
She's easy to turn on, gets hot quick, and if you put a baby in her she'll kill it. .
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18
My mate David had his ID stolen…
… I now call him Dav.
I asked a midget for a dollar today….
He said "Sorry, I'm a little short"
The swordfish has few predators in the wild.
Except for the rare penfish, which is said to be mightier.
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leaves…