Being attracted to Gordan Ramsey
Me: “I’m going to clone myself”
Dad: "that would be just like you".
I love how earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
I’m a huge Star Wars fan and my wife wanted a divorce
So I handed her the divorce papers and said “may div orce be with you”
A police officer just pulled me over. The officer came up to my window and said “papers?”
I yelled “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now… I'm pretty sure he wants a rematch.
Subtle message from Stephen King
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
This is an old joke
Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"
It would be a real shame if this were to go viral
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.” The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear. “For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.” The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title. “In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”
My dad keeps on buying ladders
Just to get high
It fits in here
Congratulations, you played yourself
Male anatomy isn’t the same as female anatomy.
In fact, there’s a Vas Deferens.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
Getting sick and dying to own the libs. 👌
I hate autocorrect…
It always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo…
Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name?
Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
If Breaking Bad Were Real
Also applies to code review
One is one
A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
I have OCD so whenever someone says “tho”
I always respond with "ugh"
I was in New Mexico and a cowboy asked me if I could help round up 18 cows.
I replied, "Yes of course, that'd be 20 cows."
That seems pretty… reasonable.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
Soledad GOT HEEEM
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her…….
So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Okay well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though – firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Okay then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you – I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
Vote shaming. It’s what stupid people do.
Dad sent me a very “profound” text today…
Anyone hear about the Mexican train bomber?
They say he had loco motives.
Poor cat cant get a rest
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the construction worker and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''
P X N I S
Why doesn’t where’s Waldo go to the gym
Because no one can spot him
What does a magician say when hiding a dead body?
How do pickles celebrate their cake day?
They relish the moment.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
My girlfriend and I are trying the whole “long distance relationship thing”
Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"
Son: Hey Dad can you pass me my sunglasses?
Dad: Sure! But can you pass me my dadglasses first?
And in WWI trenches too
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss
My son asked me: Dad did you get shot in the army?
No son. I got shot in the leggy
It made me laugh, but also think…
Conservatives would have cheered for rise of The Empire and the fall of Liberty.
Grandparents just shared this on Facebook
Why should you never fight a dinosaur
You will get jurasskicked
May you live in interesting times..
Where does Python Live?
Always deploy on Friday
Gotta Love hypocrisy in the morning.
This is happening to me many times…. Who else has the same!
An actual boomer shitpost?
What did the one eye say to the other eye?
Hey Between you and me… something smells!
Well, there goes my Childhood
You know, the worst thing about porn is that…
… it creates completely unreasonable expectations about how quickly I can get a plumber or pool guy at my house
How do you count People from Mississippi
1 Mississippi 2 Mississippi 3 Mississippi
You know you’re a spoilt child.
When you get an early Christmas present in January.
Reddit wouldn’t let me crosspost so I’m keeping the bottom bar
Did you hear about the atheist charity?
It was a non-prophet organization!
All about how you look at it 🤷♂️
What did Batman tell Robin before he got in the car?
Get in the car
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work… The ass hole is usually in charge.
Someone broke into my house and stole my anti depression pills
I hope they're happy
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
When life gives you melons
You may be dyslexic