Believe Me
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.
I think I’m being stalked.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
I left my ex-girlfriend because of her obsession with counting…
I wonder what she's up to now?
The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision …
… I can't wait to see them all.
My buddy spider really has his future planned.
He wants to become a web designer.
People asked me to stop naming Bruce Willis movies…
But you know what they say, old habits pulp fiction.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
What would a boner at a funeral be called?
Mourning wood
I found out why flamingos stand with one leg pulled up.
If they pulled up both legs they would fall over.
What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood?
The spaghetto
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up…
He said, "It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole filled with water." I know he means well.
So I’m giving up drinking for the next month straight.
Sorry, that came out wrong. Ahem. So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.
My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.
It was a little drum attic.
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
I think I’d win gold in “Literature Gymnastics.”
I can really flip a page. 😀
6:30 is my favorite time. Hands down.
No text found
Wanna here a joke about a broken pencil?
Never mind, it’s pointless…
The guy who invented auto-correct passed away today.
Restaurant in peace
Relationships are a lot like algebra….
You look at your X and wonder Y.
In pharmacology all drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
If anyone needs a tip on where to store leftover Halloween candy…
I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your bonus.
Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
I Googled “how to start a wildfire”.
I got 48,500 matches.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.
The look on his face was priceless.
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
My girlfriend is so smart
Once I forgot to bring my phone when I went out for the day. I borrowed my friend's phone to call her. She answered "What's up baby?" She is so smart she knew I was the one calling her. Edit: it's my cake day!
3 unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden.
To my horror, I saw her kill a butterfly. To teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
