Benzene or allergy season?
Post Malone has canceled his tour.
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
When I was a teen I was addicted to masturbation and as I grew older I become a sex addict.
In retrospect, I think my addiction just got out of hand.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted
A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.
“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.” So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm. “Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”
I’ll never forget the last words my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket..
He said, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
(My dad literally just told me this joke) A friend of mine just bought a hand gun from a t-rex.
He’s a small arms dealer.
Scientists confirmed West Virginia has zero cases of COVID-19
This was due to the fact that one family was immune to the strain.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
I don’t like people that take drugs.
Airport security, for example.
I dated a girl with a lazy eye once
Turns out she was seeing someone on the side
“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”
“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.
Imagine a woman with 12 breasts.
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
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Have You Heard The One About The Sheep?
It's baaad…
I know now why Trump wants to build a wall
It's been years since he managed to erect anything
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me
Why did the baker go to work?
He kneads the dough.
6:30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
I attended a self-defence course.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me…£380." "I refuse to pay," I told him. "You have to," he insisted. "Well then, you'll have to fight me for it." So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten. He said, "£380. Cough it up." "No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
When 3 people have sex, it’s a threesome. When 2 people have sex, it’s a twosome.
Now I understand why they call you handsome
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?
He was just too far out, man.
I’ve met a noble Russian homosexual
His name was Sir Gay
I tried to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I eventually gave up.
Good players are hard to find.
I didn’t always want a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind.
They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but…
A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.
Me: You made a mean cup of coffee!
Her: So, you like it? Me: I just told you it was average.
College girl visits the doctor for an exam…
Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra." So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest. Doctor says: "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love." Doctor: "Ok you're finished, send in the next girl" Next girl comes in and the doctor says the same "Take off your blouse and bra" Sure enough there is an imprint of a U on her chest. Doctor says "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to the University of Utah and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love" Doctor: "Sounds about right, ok you're done send in the next girl" Girl comes in and removes her blouse and bra. This time there is an imprint of a M on her chest. Doctor says: "Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to the University of Michigan right?" Girl: "No doctor, but I have a girlfriend that goes to the University of Wisconsin."
A cemetery is a terrible setting for a convincing horror story.
Too many plot holes.
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do to help.