Bernie Bad, Millennials Entitled
I renamed my IPod to Titanic.
Itβs syncing.
“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!”
At that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
1 person in every 10 doesn’t understand the binary number system.
The other guy is fine with it.
[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]
Me: This is my girlfriend Janine Janine: Hi Wife: What the fuck
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
How do you put the pin back in a Grenade?
Quick answers please.
I received a letter the other day saying my tax return was ‘outstanding’.
Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.
I am able to suck my period blood back into my vagina…
Allow me to demenstruate.
There was an emperor who was great at measuring things.
He was an excellent ruler.
Watched a movie in 1440p for the first time yesterday.
It was my new year's resolution.
Anti vaxx joke
When little Timmy went to school and mastered one to nine, he thought the other kids were cool and every class Devine. He painted shapes red and blue and he drew in curves and bends. And when the day was over he made 100 friends! Iβm Pals with Pete Mike and Max he told his pa with pride, but Timmyβs folks were anti-vaxx and then he fucking died.
What did the old tile roof say to the new tile roof?
Repairs will be futile.
Taking my mother-in-law off her life support was one of the hardest things Iβve done.
I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.
Congress will never impeach Donald Trump.
Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
How do you make an egg roll?
You push it.
I will not mess up this omelette! I will not mess up this omelette! I will not mess up this omelette!
I will enjoy these scrambled eggs!!
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an EntrΓ©e-preneur
Training for dad level jokes.
My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level. Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers. At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!
Doctor: You should stop masturbating
Me: Why doc? Is there something wrong? Doctor: Its making me really uncomfortable
A woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap.
"Because he used to live in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: Iβve got it under Ctrl.
Up until today, I only knew two jokes about the Fibonacci sequence. Then, today, I heard a new one.
It made me laugh as hard as the other two combined.
porno_collection.zip
* sigh * unzips
I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym buns
For the past three weeks, I’ve been jogging a mile a day
Now I don't know where I am.
A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.
There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says βI hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.β Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, βI hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and Iβve never kissed anyone.β The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments. She passionately kisses him. The boy, elated, goes on, βSorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and Iβve never felt a breast.β Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt. After a good long feel, the boy again says βyouβve been so kind already but please, I donβt want to die never having gotten a blow job.β Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt. Just then the plane levels off. As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him. The woman walks off the plain she says βthank you so much for saving us from certain death.β The boy shouts βjust a little longer next time dad!β