Bernie Sanders desperately scrambling to cover up newest breaking scandal
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith…
…for advice about enlarging her breasts. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies." She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus–"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock."
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar…
Followed by Batman.
I find radishes to be kind of cool.
No text found
The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.
I wish tinder had it too.
A woman goes to see her therapist…
The therapist kindly greets the woman. "What brings you here today?" "I am absolutely terrified of random letters." says the woman. The therapist had never heard of such a phobia before. "You are?" The woman begins to scream. "Oh, I see…" The woman screams even louder.
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
My wife claims a man in camouflage is sexy
I just don't see it myself
Where do you store dad jokes ?
In a dad-a-base
META
https://ift.tt/2oS0zTc
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more bean would be too farty.
When a woman is giving birth….
She is literally kidding.
“I swear, I’m kicking you out of the house if you don’t stop singing Christmas music.”
But, baby, it’s cold outside!
It wasn’t fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few years ago.
Now I can look back and laugh.
I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.
It was a real pain in the ass finding it.
I really hate One Direction fans.
Oscillating ones cool the room much better.
Why did the CEO of the underwear company cut the introductions short?
He wanted to keep things brief.
I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.
She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”
Why are older men so good at dad jokes?
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life!”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
She’s in for a rude awakening.
Boudreaux was called up to the Louisiana National Guard. Because he was a smooth talker the CO put him in charge of explaining benefits to new recruits.
After a week the CO noticed Boudreaux had a 100% sign up rate for supplemental insurance. Impressed, the CO sits in on one of Boudreaux’s sessions. “If you boys goes to Afghanistan and you gets yoself kilt, the gubmint pays you benefishary $50,000. But if you gets the supplemental insurance, which only cost tirty dollas a month, the gubmint pays you benefishary $400,000.” “Now, which group you tink the gubmint gonna send to Afghanistan first?”
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
I failed a health and safety course yesterday. One of the questions was ‘in the event of a fire, what steps would you take?’
‘Large ones’ was apparently the wrong answer.
Why is it called a paternity test
and not a pop quiz?
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
Nine months isn’t really that long…
It only feels like a maternity!
I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
My GF said she hates my sense of direction.
So I packed my stuff and right.
What do lawyers wear to work everyday?
Their lawsuit.
Why was the soldier pinned down?
He was under a tack