Bernie will ruin our economy, says man who helped cause the Great Recession.
Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it. Wife: And when does that part come? Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.
I told her "That is not true, in fact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil
I think I’m being stalked.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
The Doctors were trying to convince me, I'm actually a Swedish bloke who had forgotten his identity… But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!
I stopped because I wasnt feeling it.
…but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath…
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had
There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, "Who made the world?" The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD! "Thats correct!" The teacher said. The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, "Who died on the cross?" The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS! "Thats correct!!" The teacher said again. The girl fell asleep again. After a while, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?" The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!"
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
She wouldn’t get her nose out of my business. I was nuts over her though
There's a steep learning curve.
Everybody was Kung Flu fighting, That crap was fast as lightning, In fact, it was a little bit frightening, The experts couldn’t predict the timing, Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
I’m a faux pas.
It was a real slap in the faith…
Me: I can't believe this is happening. Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son? Me: … I'll tell him. [Later at home, sitting down with son] Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
Guess you can call it glockomole
It was bread in captivity.
Because 6, 7 8…
Now I’m sitting on the toilet with a massive vowel movement….
Stop school shootings
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
A wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday… At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Johnny, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Johnny says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Johnny?" Johnny says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Johnny! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Johnny with her & jumps into a taxi… The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Johnny Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time…."
A police officer says to a couple: “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire”.
They ask "Arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".
She was shellfish.
Outlaws are wanted