Bernie will ruin our economy, says man who helped cause the Great Recession.
I really need to get this shit off my chest,
and let my girlfriend know I’m not into this fetish.
A sheep, drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?
Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.
One morning at a doctor’s clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.
The doctor examines him and asks him: "Tell me what happened to your back…?" The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out of the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I was very angry. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. It was very heavy… That is how I strained my back.!" Later that day, a second patient arrives as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said: "My previous patient looked bad.. But you look terrible.. What the hell happened to you ?" He replied: "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job… I forgot to set my alarm and I was late… I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time. And you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge. I don't know how and where from this fridge fell on me…!!!" Before closing hours, the third patient comes. He looks like he was punished in hell. The doctor is shocked. He asks: "What the hell happened to you..??" The patient replies: "Well, It started like this, I was in a fridge………."
Today I had my appointment with my psychiatrist
He thinks that I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old…
Any tips for burying him?
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron? Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
If number 666 is evil,
then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.
Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?
Their careers were in ruins.
I met an atheist who worked for a charity the other day..
She said it was a non-prophet organization.
Maybe we can relate to the youth better by putting a cartoon about gadgets in a textbook!
https://ift.tt/2P1Qygl
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
… "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet. The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
My wife and I got in a big argument over how she wanted to give birth.
It was our first midwife crisis.
Whats the difference between an envelope and a window?
Nobody looks at you funny when you lick an envelope
The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”
A random voice asked: “Have you recently had an accident that wasn’t your fault?”
I said, "Yes, when I picked up the phone."
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
I looked longingly into my beloved’s eyes and whispered “A…E…I…O…U…and sometimes, Y.”
The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
NEWS: Chuck Norris has coronavirus.
… for breakfast.
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
The urge to sing “the lion sleeps tonight” may come any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away