Bernie will ruin our economy, says man who helped cause the Great Recession.
Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!
Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it. Wife: And when does that part come? Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.
My wife accused me of hating all of her relatives.
I told her "That is not true, in fact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
if 666 is all evil
then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.
I think I’m being stalked.
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.
The Doctors were trying to convince me, I'm actually a Swedish bloke who had forgotten his identity… But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!
I tried learning brail recently..
I stopped because I wasnt feeling it.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath…
…but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath…
I once ate a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had
There was a girl
There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, "Who made the world?" The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD! "Thats correct!" The teacher said. The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, "Who died on the cross?" The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS! "Thats correct!!" The teacher said again. The girl fell asleep again. After a while, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?" The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!"
My friend Jay just had twins and wants to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
I had to break up with my midget girlfriend today.
She wouldn’t get her nose out of my business. I was nuts over her though
It’s tricky knowing when to take the tea bag out.
There's a steep learning curve.
I want to share a corona virus poem I wrote today.
Everybody was Kung Flu fighting, That crap was fast as lightning, In fact, it was a little bit frightening, The experts couldn’t predict the timing, Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
I tell dad jokes but I’m not actually a father…
I’m a faux pas.
Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?
It was a real slap in the faith…
Doctor: I’m terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.
Me: I can't believe this is happening. Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son? Me: … I'll tell him. [Later at home, sitting down with son] Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
Found a bullet in my avocado
Guess you can call it glockomole
I went to the zoo today and saw some toast in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
I ate too much alphabet soup
Now I’m sitting on the toilet with a massive vowel movement….
What can the coronavirus do that the us government can’t?
Stop school shootings
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
A wife takes her husband to a Strip Club
A wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday… At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Johnny, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Johnny says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Johnny?" Johnny says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Johnny! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Johnny with her & jumps into a taxi… The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Johnny Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time…."
A police officer says to a couple: “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire”.
They ask "Arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".
Why wouldn’t the oyster give up her pearl?
She was shellfish.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted
