Bert says to Ernie “Would you like some some icecream?”
Ernie replies "Sherbert."
A teenager’s car won’t start out at the mall one night
He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help. Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life. The teenager is shocked at how easy it was. "Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!" "It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator
I get depressed if I don’t play video games.
I always need to console myself.
I found a box of discarded calculators and I just had to rescue them because…
Every calculator counts.
Im not a father but I make dad jokes.
I guess I'm a faux pas.
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
It’s something I could always see myself doing
I asked my dad why he still buys vinyl.
He said, “Records are always a sound purchase.”
“From a neighbor who posts dad jokes on little signs in his front yard. Started during the isolation to cheer up the community”
“COVID19 DAY20 Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know”
A limbo champion walks into a bar
He is disqualified
Little known fact…Before the invention of the crowbar
crows did all their drinking at home.
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner…
That was my wholemeal…
A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]
His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute." All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another. The prosecution says: "she didn't walk in." "But the fact that you were all staring at the door expectantly proves that there is reasonable doubt." The jury discusses. The defendant is found guilty. "How can you send a man to prison on such flimsy evidence?" The lawyer says. One juror says: "In the three minutes that passed, I looked through the courtroom, and I saw that the defendant was the only person who didn't look at the door even once."
A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”
A boob, a vagina, and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.
Boob: I give milk to newborn babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. . . . . . . . . . Now it's your turn.
What’s the difference between fine wine and fine women?
Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from my cellar.
The urge to sing ‘the lion sleeps tonight’
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr.Awkward.
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing. It’s on the house.
R.I.P Boiling water,
You will be mist.
Sometimes I like to tuck my knees to my chest, and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
Why can’t ants get Covid-19?
They have tiny little antibodies…
A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"
What’s Usain Bolt’s favourite remote button?
Fast forward
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, “I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, “The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.
I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business for the next week.
Neighbor’s Sign On Front Door: “No Visitors.”
Name under sign: N. Vitamin
All my life I’ve wanted to learn how to juggle
I just never had the balls to do it
What did Kim Jong Un say on his death bed?
My Korea is over
The creator of mad libs died this week.
His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
I have a complex complex complex
How do astronauts say sorry?
They apollo-gise
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
Remember to poop before midnight tonight
You don't want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade.