Best I can do is $314
What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?
You get NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!
What do you call an Irishman that bounces off walls?
Rick O'Shay.
What do you call a nose without a body?
Nobody nose!
I just learned the medical name for Viagra.
Mycoxaflopin
My wife wanted to get into “role play” to spice things up in the bedroom
I asked what she had in mind. "Let's play doctor", she said. I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me. After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
Whenever I’m asked “What happened in 1492?”, people are always surprised by my answer.
Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Frankly, I don't know, and I don't care.
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
She’s in for a rude awakening.
Two Gay men are on a long overnight flight.
One gay man says to the other "Hey you want to join the mile high club right here?" The other gay man replied "Here? We will get caught!" The first man smiles and says "Relax everyone is asleep. Watch" he then stands up and says "Does anyone have a pencil?" To which he recieves no response. This is enough for the other gay man who stands up and gets behind the man at which point they have sex. A few hours later a flight attendant walking down the down the aisle see an old man who has thrown up all over himself. She asks the man "Sir why didn't you ask for a vomit bag?" To which the old man replied "Well the last guy asked for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass"
I used to sell home security systems.
It was super easy. I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn’t stop making jokes about oral sex.
I said "That's hard to swallow."
He’s going to want legal immunity in exchange for leaving after he gets beat.
https://ift.tt/34feAtl
Guy gets accidentally shot by the celebratory fire for his release from prison
https://ift.tt/2VvYDMp
A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner
"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says “How do you spell ‘penis’?”. My wife looks at me curiously and then asks “Why?”
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
Last week at the zoo, I saw a baguette in a cage.
It made me sad, because I knew it was bread in captivity.
What do ducks smoke?
Quack.
I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.
Why is gambling illegal in China
Because they hate Tibet
My dog has a problem with chasing people on bicycles.
It's gotten so bad that I had to take his bike away.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out the dog.
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You are the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
I think my waitress is hungry
She keeps asking how my food is.
I rarely tell dad jokes
But the times when I do, he laughs