Best joke ever!
A man took his six year old girl to the office
As they were walking around the office, the girl started crying. Her father asked what was wrong with her. As the staff gathered around she sobbed loudly 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?'
For Halloween I’ve got a job making plastic Draculas
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
I watched a documentary on mushrooms tonight.
I'll probably watch them all like that from now on.
I named my dog “Wifi”…
Because I stole it from my neighbor…
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn’t heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,
we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"? He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"
Saw an ad for a DeLorean with low milage…
…said it was only used from time to time.
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
Why do fish always sing off key ?
You can’t tuna fish
The first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France
They were cooked in Greece
I was in a very busy Whole Foods and saw this beautiful young woman shopping.
I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?" "Sure, but how can that help?" "Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of fucking nowhere."
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care
Going into my son’s room is the same as going to Ikea
You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.
Don’t mess with WIFE !!!!
Wife asked her husband to give her the newspaper. Husband: "How backward you are? Technology has developed so much and you are still asking for the newspaper… Take my iPad…" Wife took the iPad and killed the Cockroach. Husband faints. Moral: Whatever the wife asks, give her without argument. Show your smartness in office, not at home.
Why do programmers think Halloween and Christmas are the same?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
What’s the difference between a school and a compound?
I got no clue, I just fly the drone
A man calls his home and a boy answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?" "Hey dad it's me," answers the boy "Shouldn't you be in school?" The man asks "Mum said i could stay home because I'm ill" The boy answers "Where is your mother?" asks the man. The boy says, "She's upstairs in bed with the postman." The man is fuming and says to the boy, "Listen very carefully, I need you to do something." "What will I have to do?" The man tells him, "I want you to get my gun from the garage, and then come back." The boy puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then the boy comes back. "Now what, Dad?" He asks. "Go upstairs to where your mum is, and shoot her and whoever she is with." The man hears footsteps, then two gunshots, and the boy comes back. "What do I do with the bodies" the boy asks The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the boy answers, "But we don't have a pool." There is a long pause, before the man answers. "Sorry, wrong number."
I once bought shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
My professor accused me of plagiarizing
His words, not mine.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
A mathematician wakes from a nightmare in which he encountered a creature with only one eye.
“Thank goodness,” he says. “It was imaginary.”
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
A shoplifter stole an entire case of red bull from my store
I don’t know how he sleeps at night
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
I got in touch with my inner self today…
…that's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A bus full of children
What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.
Mr and Mrs Wong were expecting their first child.
When the baby was born. Mr Wong was shocked to see it was white and not a bit Chinese looking. "No no no" he said "two wongs don't make a white"
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.