Best joke I have still ever overheard. Dad to his buddies while I’m 10 years old listening from the porch.
This guy walks into a bar with his briefcase in hand and he’s mad. He sits at the bar, puts his case down and orders a drink. The bartender serves him right up and asks the man what’s got him down.
The man gives a disappointed grin and tells the bartender that he can just show him. He opens his briefcase and out pops a tiny person about a foot tall that begins to play his miniature piano.
Of course the bartender is amazed and is just about to ask where he found this little guy but is cut off by the man who informs him that there’s a genie outside his bar granting people wishes for free.
The bartender sprints outside but comes right back only minutes later followed by an army of quacking ducks that fill the whole place.
Angrily, the bartender says to the first man that the genie has: “ Gotta be deaf man! I ask for a million bucks and get a million ducks…”
First man says “ Bro, you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?”
it's the thot that counts.
..that the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
-Could you describe the symptons? -Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy
You have the freezing cold part at the top Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
A bus full of children
IT'S FUCKING r/aww
Hmmm . . .a million dollars is a lot of money. I could do a lot of good with that. Would it just be the one time? Yeah I guess I would for a million dollars. How about $20? $20? Are you serious? What kind of woman do you think I am? We’ve already established what kind of woman you are. Now we’re just negotiating the price.
She replied, "Aisle B, back!"
A song came on on the speakers and I asked "Is this green Day?" He replied "No, it's valentine's Day"
He said, "Dad, do you want to see me kick Flip?"
It got toad.
So one day, I just packed up my bags and right.
It's ok though, it still saved me money.
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
I'm not joking, but he is.
I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”
Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.
….What gift do you want? . . . . . . Husband: A British girl would be nice. Wife: Okay. Wife completes her trip and returns home. Husband: So did you bring me a British girl? Wife: Yeah. Husband: Where is she? Wife: It takes nine months to unpack the gift.
Pretty nuts, if you ask me.
To tell people he was a vegan.
Teacher: What’s the monomer of rubber? Me: Is it monobber?
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded affirmatively…
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more. "So…" the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again. "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
It was tense
The people of Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do.
They laugh about the situation, and one guy says to the other, “What happened to you?” “Well”, he says, “I was at the airport and I go up to the counter to find this gorgeous, chesty woman working. And instead of saying, ‘Hi, I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘Hi, I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’, and she punched me in the eye. What happened to you?”, he asks the other man. The second man replies, “I was sitting at the table with my wife having breakfast. I meant to ask her, ‘Honey, can you please pass the Post Toasties?’ But I accidentally said, ‘You’re ruining my life, you fucking bitch.’”