Best joke I have still ever overheard. Dad to his buddies while I’m 10 years old listening from the porch.
This guy walks into a bar with his briefcase in hand and he’s mad. He sits at the bar, puts his case down and orders a drink. The bartender serves him right up and asks the man what’s got him down.
The man gives a disappointed grin and tells the bartender that he can just show him. He opens his briefcase and out pops a tiny person about a foot tall that begins to play his miniature piano.
Of course the bartender is amazed and is just about to ask where he found this little guy but is cut off by the man who informs him that there’s a genie outside his bar granting people wishes for free.
The bartender sprints outside but comes right back only minutes later followed by an army of quacking ducks that fill the whole place.
Angrily, the bartender says to the first man that the genie has: “ Gotta be deaf man! I ask for a million bucks and get a million ducks…”
First man says “ Bro, you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?”
Situation remembering code be like
The endosymbiotic theory in a nut shell
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar
One came, one saw, and one conquered.
I told my kids that due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
Mom sent this in the family group chat
The lighter side of… sexual assault
Everything you need to know about today’s hearings
A racist man walks into a bar…
He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him. He then waves to the bartender and says, "I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy." As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting a reaction out of him. The black man still sits casually, this time with a smile on his face. Confused and annoyed, the racist man waves again to the bartender and says, "another round for everyone except that same man." As everyone else enjoys their second beer, the racist man looks back again at the black man, who is still smiling. visibly angered, the racist man calls the bartender over a third time and orders a another round of beer for everyone except the black man. He then looks at the black man one more time, and sees him laughing. Furious, he rushes back to the bartender, points at the black man and asks, "Okay, what the hell is up with this guy?" The bartender then replies, "Oh, you didn't know? He owns this place."
Want to hear a clean joke
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
As I’m sure you’re all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.
They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore!
Definitely time for a new keyboard…
What’s the best cheese to bait bear traps with
Cammom-bear! (sorry if ya heard this one already)
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s very heavy and the other is a little lighter.
If Programming Languages Were People
NSFW: There’s a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.
Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunch break bell rings, Joe is really starving, completely forgets about Bruce and jumps back on the main scaffold without Joe as a counterweight, Bruce falls to his death on the street below. A Frenchman, an Italian and an Australian are together eating in a restaurant. Suddenly the Frenchman sits up and says "Frenchmen love women the most!" Of course the Italian disagrees "No, Italian men love women the most. Why just the other day I took my girlfriend out to the best restaurant, then I took her to a sold-out show and then we went to the best hotel in town. Where we made love all night long. I'd been working overtime and planning this for over a year". The Frenchman says "That's nothing, I took my girl to the most exclusive bar in town, where we drunk the best Champagne. I then took her for a carriage ride along the Montmartre and then to the finest restaurant in Paris, where we ate oysters and foie gras, salmon and beluga caviar. I then took her to the finest hotel in Paris and we made love for two days and two nights". The Australian then pipes up "Nah, you guys aren't even close. Australian men are the most crazy about women." At this, both the Frenchmen and the Italian both wear wry and sarcastic expressions. Before they can say anything, he holds up his hand, and the Australian says "Just hear me out, a year ago this drop dead gorgeous brunnette is walking down the street in a really skimpy outfit, mini skirt and all. The next thing that me and my friends see, is this builder jumps off the top of this tall building, with his cock in his hand and he's screaming out:" "Cuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnt!"
Posted unironically by my college professor. Hurr Durr, Phone Bad
I found out why nurses carry red crayons
In case they have to draw blood.
News people lie always
I’ve been trying to come up with jokes about people who don’t exercise
But none of them work out
Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?
He got off with a suspension.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
Why was power so tired?
Is was working overtime.
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a Cod, any Cod
I think my waitress is hungry
She keeps asking how my food is.
Trump accuses all opposition as Fake news agents
Neanderthals be like
At least the Governor of Alaska gets it
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
We all know what MAGA really means
Can i get an f in the chat
Who can drink two litres of gasoline?
He should stop, right?
Best Moment Of Our Life 🙂
Boomers in a nutshell.
I dated an African girl….
we just clicked
Found this one next to a church, does it count??
When you make your imaginary friend quite irate
When I heard that a cure for dyslexia had been discovered
It was like music to my arse
Mars: I’m wet.
NASA: I’m coming over.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I asked, "Who is this guy?" My grandfather said, "He's my hip replacement."
Man:I am done,i am suiciding. Woman:If you are going down throw out the trash
H2O be like
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower…
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”
I can’t believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
Thanksgiving day, November 28th 1986
One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax.
On his way to the lake he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?” “I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?” With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window and asks, “What can I do for you?” “I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?” Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time. He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, “I know, you’re the blue bastard of the asphalt. But just what the heck do you want?” “Driver’s license and registration please.”
I mean… He ain’t wrong
Ahh Sweet Victory!
You know what is really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2
I remade this one…. think it’s funnier this way.
The least tone-deaf president you have ever seen!
The best worst thing