A nun is having a bath when she hears a knock of the door….
She says "who is it?" "It's the blind man" comes the response. Ok, thinks the nun. "Come in then". In walks the man; "nice tits, now where do you want this blind?"
I’m addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
It's really hard to quit cold turkey
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Why are cows bad at dancing?
They lactose.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table — whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and it settles on their land.
Why haven’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our reviews. One star.
Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up
I just poked myself in the eye.
I can’t see myself doing that again any time soon.
Men think about sex every 7 seconds…
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds… So it doesn't get weird.
The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;”papers”
I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.
I asked a German girl for her number and I’m still waiting for the rest of the numbers
So far all I have is 9.
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
I’m not wearing glasses anymore.
I’ve seen enough.
So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots.
As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!😂
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.
So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
What’s a decent Asian stereo type?
Sony and Yamaha are my favorite.
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN…
They become VERY ANGRY
I don’t trust elevators anymore.
They are always either up to something or letting you down.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1 Anna 2
what’s the most disappointing way to finish a joke?
No text found
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Why can’t Superman ever drive to the top level of the parking garage?
Because he always stays in the Lois Lane Kill me pls
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.
Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
Imagine what would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion!
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.
Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem – a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
How does a meteorologist go up a mountain?
They climate.
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says “How do you spell ‘penis’?”. My wife looks at me curiously and then asks “Why?”
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
My wife was complaining that I treat like her a child.
So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.