Did you know the first French fry wasn’t cooked in France?
It was cooked in Greece
Finally done some exercise
feels like a weight's been lifted
My girlfriend is turning 32 soon…
I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday." For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.
Fuck ugly people.
That way you'll finally get laid.
In a lot of ways I’m like Nichola Tesla.
I’m bad at marketing.
Freudian Slip:
When you say one thing, but mean your mother
Why don’t mitochondria have girlfriends?
Because they're incells.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Fill it with spring water.
A woman goes to see her therapist…
The therapist kindly greets the woman. "What brings you here today?" "I am absolutely terrified of random letters." says the woman. The therapist had never heard of such a phobia before. "You are?" The woman begins to scream. "Oh, I see…" The woman screams even louder.
What’s the difference between communism and a pencil?
The pencil works on things other than paper.
My doctor said I only have 5 more days to live…
So I killed him and the Judge gave me 40 years!!
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a new revolving chair. But then she sat on it.
Eventually she came around.
At dinner, my parents told me that they always thought about having another child.
I said, “I would have loved to have a brother or a sister.” They said, “That’s not what we meant.”
“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”
Cop: It’s a…moving violation.
My dad’s favourite joke. Mine too.
There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs. 'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.' The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out. 'Spider, walk left' The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced. 'Spider, move right.' The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe. The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence. 'Move left' The spider didn't move. 'Move right' Nothing. Forward, backward, no response. 'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'
My wife treats me as if I’m a god.
She acts like I don't exist until she wants something.
Kid: What’re you eating, dad? Dad: Well, let’s see… whole grains, mashed fruit and bean paste. Kid: Ewwwwwww!
Dad: What’s wrong? I thought you loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
A truckload of Vick’s vaporub overturned on the highway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar…
Followed by Batman.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters.
Therapist: you are? Me: [Screams] Therapist: I see
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
What do you call Batman when he leaves church?
Christian Bale.
You really shouldn’t watch any horror movie today
It may, Fri 10 you.
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. “Don’t fret!” he said. “Just duet and we’ll live in harmony until the end of time!”
Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor. Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck and beat her. Domestic violins.