Best meme compilation
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
What is an unborn child’s favorite craft?
Embryoidery!
When is a Dad joke not a Dad joke.
When it's told by a Catholic Priest. Then it's a Father joke.
During the quarantine, my 4 year old has been learning Spanish. Yet, he still can’t say please.
Which I think is poor for four.
My wife accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line
What is red and smells like blue paint
Red paint
What do you call a mummy with a sore throat?
I don’t know. Sir Cough I guess.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
Bringing chewing gum to school is like bringing guns to school:
everyone starts acting like you've been best friends since 1st grade once they see what you have.
Did you hear about the two mummies who farted at the same time?
They had a toot in common. Kid loved it and I’m proud of the original content
I was addicted to soap for years…
I’m clean now!
The guy who invented auto-correct passed away today.
Restaurant in peace
What room do ghosts avoid?
The living room
Presidents
Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents: – We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits – saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud … – Here, In Russia, when Putin passes by, everybody urinates on him, but you know, everybody! – Well, let's be serious; I exaggerated a little … we swear at Trump, but in a whisper … we throw at him … but in front of our TVs … – Well, I exaggerated a bit as well … We really urinate, but we don't put our pants down … [Now: not a native speaker, so mistakes should be overlooked, of course, I hope it's not a repost]
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line!
My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said “This isn’t working”
Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
But you've probably never heard of herbivore.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
Why don’t Africans eat at the restaurant?
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
My dad was showing me how to use a bow
He took me to the edge of our rather large property, He shot one tree, then another, then another, with very impressive aim. "Alright son, you're up!" I aimed at a tree that hadn't been shot yet "No son! Not that one!" "Why not?" "Because that's not archery!" So I shot one of the others "Was that alright?" "That's fine, that's archery."
How do you write a cliffhanger?
No text found
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
If horses gallop…
Do seahorses scallop?
I broke two of my dads Queen records…
Now I want to break three.
Not One Republican Voted To Remove A Domestic Terrorist From Office…. Not One
https://ift.tt/2vazgX4
What do you call a kid who is born in a whorehouse?
A brothel sprout (I’ll let myself out)
A man asked me why my clothes were gay
I said “Cause, they came out the closet”
