# Best meme compilation

## How to follow instructions

An old painter once brought a helper along for the first time ever He said: "Do as I say; exactly as I say. And don't try anything clever" "Now go kick that baseboard over there" he shouted as he pointed "..and see that plug over there? Go ahead and pull it" "and while you're at it, cut the water, put the chisel in my bag of brushes" "put the caps on the sockets, grab me that bucket, run to the van for our lunches" So the helper Thought for a second…got deep in thought….."WHAT ARE YOU THINKIN' ABOUT!!!" the painter exclaimed, all but callin' 'im names. The helper skipped with a bounce He pulled the baseboard, cut the plug, poured water in the bag, held the chisel next to the socket for a second and said "Nope. Not doing that" The painter looked dumbfounded as the helper covered the bucket with caps scratchin' 'is head tryna remember where the lunches were at …the old painter exploded …"WHAT WAS THAT!!!!!" "YOU BETTER FIX THIS AND GET IT RIGHT!!". The helper replied: "Um. My bad" then he put water on the bucket and cut the caps pulled the bag over, like really dragged it over, kicked the brushes and gasped. "Almost forgot", the helper said as the painter started to sweat, bubblin' mad As he started to remember where the lunches were at The old painter panted, "No, no, no" he said as he started to collapse pulled his brushes out and cut his hand on the baseboard on his bag threw the chisel at the helper, but the helper slipped and ducked it, because of the caps he shook the water off and ran to the van. In the meantime, the old painter kicked the bucket; and passed.

## Why didn’t the teddy bear eat any dinner?

They were already stuffed!

## My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.

I told her to lighten up.

## I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if anyone had any porn sites they’d like to recommend other than:

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Thanks.

## The other day my best friend met his fate after accidentally falling into a printing press at work.

You probably read about him, he was in all the papers.

## What did the grape do when he got stepped on?

He let out a little wine.

## I can chop wood just by looking at it.

I saw it with my own eyes.

## I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach

and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.

## My grandfather’s favourite joke

First time posting here, my grandfather's funeral was yesterday, and in honor of him I thought I would share his favourite joke of all time. My grandfather worked in advertisement, and his favourite jokes had to do with bad advertising. His favourite? Women's dresses, half off. Rest in peace grampie. You'll never be forgotten.

## How warm is a baby just before their birth?

Womb temperature

## Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands.

## I was going to make a Corona virus joke

But I would feel guilty if anyone got it.

## Me, being forced to use Word again after three years of writing assignments in LaTeX

https://ift.tt/34m76nI

## I like my women like i like my toasters

Turned on and in the bath tub with me

## People asked me to stop naming Bruce Willis movies…

But you know what they say, old habits pulp fiction.

## How do you drown a hipster?

you throw him into the mainstream

## In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

## I bought my wife a Pug as a present.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

## I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day

## I went out with a girl who reminded me of a plate.

She was a dish

## Why did the chicken cross the road?

No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.

## How to tell the gender of an ant?

If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…

## From a physicist: ICP is actually right about magnets

/r/juggalo/comments/g1e3nx/from_a_physicist_icp_is_actually_right_about/

## Why did it take Russia so long to invade Germany?

They were Stalin.

## Which days are the strongest?

Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.

## Why are horses no fun?

Because they are neigh-sayers

## How does a Jewish man make coffee?

Hebrews it.

## You don’t need a parachute to skydive.

You need a parachute to skydive twice.

## There’s no such thing as Scottish people.

Either your name is Scott or it isn’t.

## What’s Thanos’ favourite game? [OC]

Half Life.

## The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old

I'm finally above average for something