Best meme compilation
Not everyone is free, Kirk
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
Can you guess where they live before the tell you?
What is an unborn child’s favorite craft?
Gotta own the libs
When is a Dad joke not a Dad joke.
When it's told by a Catholic Priest. Then it's a Father joke.
I prefer my builders to have a PhD from the school of hard knocks.
During the quarantine, my 4 year old has been learning Spanish. Yet, he still can’t say please.
Which I think is poor for four.
It’s been real though
My wife accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line
Phone bad, alcohol good
What is red and smells like blue paint
What do you call a mummy with a sore throat?
I don’t know. Sir Cough I guess.
My engineer friend with a new shotgun sequencing approach
He’s got a point right there
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
Yoda reading minds now.
SEAL OF THE PRESIDENT
Bringing chewing gum to school is like bringing guns to school:
everyone starts acting like you've been best friends since 1st grade once they see what you have.
Bette Midler’s slam dunk
I Have Never Been So Offended By Something I 100% Agree With
Did you hear about the two mummies who farted at the same time?
They had a toot in common. Kid loved it and I’m proud of the original content
I was addicted to soap for years…
I’m clean now!
Well, it’s actually pretty simple
The guy who invented auto-correct passed away today.
Restaurant in peace
Wife bad sheep good
When asked if I documented the code …
What room do ghosts avoid?
The living room
Posted by a family member
Funny how that works
Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents: – We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits – saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud … – Here, In Russia, when Putin passes by, everybody urinates on him, but you know, everybody! – Well, let's be serious; I exaggerated a little … we swear at Trump, but in a whisper … we throw at him … but in front of our TVs … – Well, I exaggerated a bit as well … We really urinate, but we don't put our pants down … [Now: not a native speaker, so mistakes should be overlooked, of course, I hope it's not a repost]
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line!
Forward from my aunt
sometimes all what you can do is to pray..
My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said “This isn’t working”
Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.
Checkmate, AI devs
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
But you've probably never heard of herbivore.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
Why don’t Africans eat at the restaurant?
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
Not gonna lie I thought it was clever
My dad was showing me how to use a bow
He took me to the edge of our rather large property, He shot one tree, then another, then another, with very impressive aim. "Alright son, you're up!" I aimed at a tree that hadn't been shot yet "No son! Not that one!" "Why not?" "Because that's not archery!" So I shot one of the others "Was that alright?" "That's fine, that's archery."
How do you write a cliffhanger?
No text found
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
What evolution be like
If horses gallop…
Do seahorses scallop?
I broke two of my dads Queen records…
Now I want to break three.
2 unit tests, 0 integration tests
He’s not wrong
PM’s, we still love y’all
Not One Republican Voted To Remove A Domestic Terrorist From Office…. Not One
What do you call a kid who is born in a whorehouse?
A brothel sprout (I’ll let myself out)
In my local newspaper, very funny.
This has gone too far.
A man asked me why my clothes were gay
I said “Cause, they came out the closet”