Best parody I’ve heard in long time…
What do you call a zombie who writes his own music?
A decomposer.
I’d never let my children watch the orchestra.
There is too much sax and violins in it
What do you call a careful wolf?
Aware wolf.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy…and the other…is a little lighter.
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint.
Both crews have been marooned.
Today I met the underwater spy
His name was James Pond
My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.
So i took down his confederate flag.
I just bought Spider Man pyjamas
I hope he likes them
Why do they call it possession of marijuana?
They should call it joint custody
When a woman is giving birth….
She is literally kidding.
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire. Edit: Thanks for the silver (my first metal)!!
One cow asks another cow, “Are you afraid of mad cow disease?”
The other cow says, “Why should I be? I’m a helicopter.”
Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up
Where did the boulder learn its arithmetic?
The School of Hard Rocks
I can’t believe Kim Jon Un wants to nuke South Korea
Does he have no Seoul
When I was in kindergarten, I was so caught up in learning the names of all the numbers that I memorized them out of order.
I couldn't see the fours for the threes.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
During this pandemic I’m buying lots of stocks.
Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!
Did you know you can tell if an ant is a boy or a girl by dropping it in water?
If it sinks it's a girl ant If it floats it's boy ant
How do you find put how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
Why do mountains never get cold?
Because they have snow-caps!
So far, 2019 seems odd.
Like every other year.
An old man was sitting next to a kid
And he saw the kid eating a lot of chocolate, pack after pack… So the man asked the kid: do you think it's healthy for you eating all that chocolate? So the kid answered: My grandpa died at 100 years old -And you think it's because he ate chocolate? -No, it's because he minded his own business.
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
I just found out i’m colourblind
The diagnosis came out of the purple
TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can’t feel it anymore
and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.
Two communists are sitting on a porch in a nudist colony. One says “Have you read Marx”?
The other says “Yes, i think it’s these wicker chairs”.
I met Tom Hanks today!
I asked for his autograph, but all he wrote was ‘thanks’…
A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart.
So she dyes her hair brunette and goes out for a challenge. She finds a shepherd with a big herd, and asks him if she can guess the number of sheep in the first try and if she guesses right she could keep one of the sheep. The shepherd agrees. After a good look at the herd she thinks and tells him: 258. The shepherd in amusement that she guessed the right number, agrees to give her a sheep of her choosing. She takes another look, grabs one she liked and starts to proudly walk away. Then she hears the shepherd calling her, she turns around and he asks her: If I guess the natural color of your hair, would you give me my dog back?
I got fired today because my manager caught me masturbating with a vegetable during my break
Apparently nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you can do with the patients.
