Best salon name I’ve ever seen
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
Why do nurses always bring red crayons to work?
In case they need to draw blood
People think a runny nose is funny.
But, it’s snot
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger
Then it hit me
My parents said that if I got a tattoo I’d have to get it in a place that didn’t matter…
So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
He was afraid of Capitalism.
I asked, “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
He replied, “No sun.”
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him
“I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?” The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
Do you wanna hear a ghost joke ?
that's the spirit.
Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second. The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
Dad: Hey, remember tomorrow is Father’s Day!
Me: Yeah, but it’s son day as well.
It shouldn’t be surprising our first black president was elected prior to Trump
It's always darkest before Don
Waiter: Do you wanna box for your leftover food?
Dad: No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.
where are noses made?
at the ol factory
Peter Dinklage turned 51 today.
It's been fun watching Dinkl age.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knee to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
Just want to let you know You all matter
Unless you multiply yourself by the spped of light squared then you Energy
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “look at the frickin’ elephant, dad!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us… “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!” he said, and so it did, African Elephant.
Did you hear about the kid who kept getting electrocuted ?
His Dad finally grounded him
I love the F5 key
It's so refreshing
Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant
They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed – service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside. The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in here." The man replies, you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." Skeptical, the manager asks, "your guide dog is a doberman?" The man replies, "you see, a doberman helps protect me against burglars." The manager lets him through. The chihuahua guy sees this and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks inside. The manager approaches him and says, "sir, you can't bring your dog in here." The man replies, "you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." The manager, ever so skeptical, asks, "your guide dog is a chihuahua?" The man, quick to think, says, "a chihuahua? They gave me a chihuahua?!?"
I went to the shop and bought a thesaurus but when I got home, when I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I had no words to describe how angry I was.
Why are books so expensive?
Because they're paper view.
So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?
But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”
My dentist pulled a wrong tooth
it was accidental
What’s the difference between the clitoris and a can of Bud Light?
The clitoris only tastes like piss for the first few seconds.
A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bar tender asked, "do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants?" And the pirate said, "arrr it's driving me nuts!"
I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had. I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.