Best salon name I’ve ever seen
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
In case they need to draw blood
But, it’s snot
Then it hit me
So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.
He was afraid of Capitalism.
He replied, “No sun.”
“I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?” The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
that's the spirit.
"I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second. The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
Me: Yeah, but it’s son day as well.
It's always darkest before Don
Dad: No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.
at the ol factory
It's been fun watching Dinkl age.
He really gets a kick out of it.
Unless you multiply yourself by the spped of light squared then you Energy
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “look at the frickin’ elephant, dad!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us… “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!” he said, and so it did, African Elephant.
His Dad finally grounded him
It's so refreshing
Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant
They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed – service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside. The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in here." The man replies, you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." Skeptical, the manager asks, "your guide dog is a doberman?" The man replies, "you see, a doberman helps protect me against burglars." The manager lets him through. The chihuahua guy sees this and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks inside. The manager approaches him and says, "sir, you can't bring your dog in here." The man replies, "you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." The manager, ever so skeptical, asks, "your guide dog is a chihuahua?" The man, quick to think, says, "a chihuahua? They gave me a chihuahua?!?"
I went to the shop and bought a thesaurus but when I got home, when I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I had no words to describe how angry I was.
Because they're paper view.
But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”
it was accidental
The clitoris only tastes like piss for the first few seconds.
The bar tender asked, "do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants?" And the pirate said, "arrr it's driving me nuts!"
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had. I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.