Best Star Wars joke this is.
How much does a socially awkward penguin weigh?
Not enough to break the ice.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
I donāt always install solar panels for free…
But this ones on the house
A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says “I’m not going to leave my home, God will protect me”.
The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him. The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just then a National Guard boat comes by and tells him to get in. The man says "I'm not afraid, my God will protect me" and refuses to get in the boat. Eventually the National Guard is forced to give up and move on to help others. Then the man drowns. When he gets to the pearly gates he meets God and says "God, why didn't you protect me?" God sighs and says "I sent you the news, the police, and a boat. What fucking more do you want?!"
God said to John, “come fourth and you will receive eternal life”,
John came fifth and won a toaster.
I heard they came up with a millennial version of the Monopoly game.
They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
I just found an origami porn site…
… but itās paper view only.
To whoever stole my anti-depressants,
I hope you're happy now.
My son asked me where pooh came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
A little perplexed he stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and then asked, āand tigger?ā
Two Students from Asia Came to My High School.
They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude is like a math wiz. Iām really struggling, so I ask Ving if heād give me a hand on the homework. Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor. Iām like yeah sure what? He asks me to drive him to the city hall after school. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. Iām like alright dude! So after school Iām driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and Ling is totally giving Ving the cold shoulder. Iām like whatās the deal and Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is totally pissed that heād disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a super long time. Finally itās our turn and Ving tells me heās picked āLeeā as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about the ancestry shit, blah blah. Then itās time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he canāt do it. Shittttt man, that ancestry shit runs deeeep. The lady at the desk is like ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Argh, stupid small town laws, Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. āDAD!ā Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, āDonāt stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!ā
Did you hear about the guy who flew so close to the sun that he touched it at exactly one point?
He was a real tan gent.
I’m thinking of removing my spine
It's only holding me back.
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said āYou must be blind.ā He said āYeah, tell me something I donāt know.ā
So I said āThereās a tree over there.ā
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went after it set.
finally it dawned on me.
Why does Karl Marx write in lowercase?
He hates capitalism
Say what you will about Vlad the Impaler…
…the guy knew how to make a point.
Why did the baker go to work?
He kneads the dough.
Which fruit likes to tease the others?
The banana nana boo boo
My son joined a group of people that are sexually attracted to young horses.
I'm worried he may be in a colt
Why teddy bears don’t go to the gym?
They don't wanna get ripped
A writer approached me today acting strange and asked me to help him find his back gardenā¦
I think he's lost the plotā¦
I have written a book on Penguins
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a āNirvanaā scented candle.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Why did the homophobic buffalo cry?
It had a bison.
My daughter was trying to convince me that the dress she was going out in wasnāt slutty,
but I saw right through it.
I saw a kidnapping
I decided to let him sleep
A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. “Don’t fret!” he said. “Just duet and we’ll live in harmony until the end of time!”
Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor. Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck and beat her. Domestic violins.
Donald Trump is reportedly banning the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
The girl with no arms and legs laying by the pool
Thereās a girl with no arms and legs laying by a pool. She's tanning and enjoying herself when a handsome guy walks by and grabs her attention. She yells over to him and asks if he can help her with something. The guy feels bad for her so he walks over and asks her what she needs. She says, āWell you seeā¦Iām a virgin, and you are a very good looking guy." The guy looks at her confused as to what she is hinting at. She continues, "I've never had sex before, and I've always wanted to get fucked." The guy responds, "Oh I see what you mean now." So he throws her in the pool and says, āNow youāre fucked.ā
Imagine Convincing Someone From The Past That These Are Actual Headlines From 2019
https://ift.tt/2NoXPGg
I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.
He told me to give her a handjob.