BET NUN OF YALL MADE IT TO 18 WITHOUT HAVING A KID LOOOOOOOOOL
Yo mammaโs so ugly…
Yo daddy takes her to work with him every day so he doesnโt have to kiss her goodbye.
I watched a great documentary on beavers this weekend.
Best dam thing Iโve watched in a while.
I saw an onion ring.
So I answered it.
When I hailed a taxi, the driver started insulting me.
"What was that for?" I asked, shocked. To which he replied, "Hey, that's what I do best. I drive people away."
3 guys have a sleep over
3 guys have a sleep over after watching a scary movie, they all decide to stay in the same bed. The next morning the guy on the left says " last night i had the best dream a beautiful blonde girl was wanking me off " The guy on the right says " That's strange I had a similar dream except the girl was a brunette " The guy in the mindle saying " Fuck sake I had a dream I was skiing "
A blonde and brunette rob a bank
A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!" The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10 minutes.. 15 minutes.. 20.. "This is taking way too long.. What the hell is she doing in there?" the brunette asks herself frantically. 30 minutes later the blonde runs out with a rope and ties it to the back of the car. She jumps in and the brunette floors it. The rope tightens and a safe bashes right through the bank wall and trails behind the car. A guard with his pants down runs behind and tries to fire but falls in an awkward attempt to run behind with his pants down. The brunette, furious and red-faced, turns to the blonde and says, "I knew you'd screw this up. I told you to tie up the guard and blow the safe…"
Two guys stumble out of the bar and want to fight.
One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'm gonna punch you!" That was the punch line.
What’s a great example of click bait?
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My three year old girl asked me
"Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?" "Yes." she replied. "Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo." She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?”
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane… Only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Nice new car son.. What’s that thing on the trunk?
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I can cut a log just by looking at it!
It's true! I saw it with my own eyes.
If cold tea is called iced tea, and cold coffee is called iced coffee, what do you call cold ink?
… well then take a shower.
Why does Oedipus never curse?
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
How was the roman empire cut in half
With a pair of Caesars
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
A farmer in a field had 198 sheep
But when he rounded them up he had 200
An American doctor is doing aid work in an Afghan village.
A woman in the village gives birth to a white baby. The village leader goes to the doctor and says: โDoctor I am no fool. Youโre the only white man around for miles. That baby must be yours.โ The doctor is caught off guard and as heโs pondering what to say he sees a group of goats. The goats are mostly white but thereโs one brown goat. The doctor tells the village leader: โLook over at those goats! See, sometimes this happens naturally. All those goats are white except for that one brown one.โ The village leader looks to the doctor and says: โAhh I see your point, doctor. Tell you what, I wonโt say anything about that white baby if you donโt say anything about that brown goatโ
I hate Russian dolls
they're so full of themselves.
My son asked me where pooh came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
A little perplexed he stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and then asked, โand tigger?โ
(NSFW) What is the difference between love, true love, and just showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling
If you’re not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
My wife said, “You act like a detective too much, I want to split up.”
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I like my women like I like my coffee.
From a third world country and at a reasonable price.
After Adam stayed out for a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
โYouโre running around with another womanโadmit it!โ she demanded. โWhat other woman?โ Adam shot back. โYouโre the only one here.โ That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. โWhat are you doing?โ โCounting your ribs.โ
I don’t often tell Dad jokes.
It's because I haven't seen him in 15 years.