Bet the kids don’t remember pens…
Two reasons I don’t give money to homeless people. 1) They are going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol
2) I am going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol.
So I picked up this girl the other day…..
and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" . Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.
I really need to fix my watch but…
I never have the time
A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.
He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!" St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?" God says, "Yep." Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle surfaces. The ball bounces off the turtle's shell and gets another hundred yards. Just as its about to stop rolling, a squirrel runs over and grabs the ball before being immediately snatched by a gorgeous red tail hawk. The hawk flies him off and just over the green the squirrel drops the ball. The ball hits the green, rolls and falls in the hole. Most amazing par five hole-in-one in history. St. Peter, astonished says, "You call that punishment?" God replies, "Yep. There was nobody around to see it."
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
What do you call Sad Island weather?
A Tropical Depression
We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”
I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”
My paper towels went missing.
So I had to hire a bounty hunter.
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
I’m running out of drugs and drug $$ not even sure if I’m doing this right…..
https://ift.tt/2Z0YCDy
They say today is Pi Day
but for me it will always be cake day!
What did the sun bring to eat at the beach?
A light snack
Her: I think we need to break up. I’m sick of your addiction to Burger King.
Me: Fine. Have it your way.
My grandma and computers
So my grandma just found out how to read updates and it said updated in the backround and said i always see that but i dont see them in thr backround
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a…
![[OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/hv07wsM-400x618.png)
I have a joke about math.
But I’m 2² to say it.
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
Losing weight is a piece of cake.
Just don’t pick it up.
