I just won an award for most secretive person in the office
I can't tell you how much it means to me
What does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?
They both barely cover the asshole. EDIT: I leave this up for a few hours and 500 upvotes already?! Thanks everyone! EDIT 2: WOW! MY FIRST MEDAL EVER! THANK YOU KIND REDDIT STRANGER!
What’s a pirate’s favorite country?
Djibouti
An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.
We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.
I’ve been playing Tetris a lot lately.
It was a bit difficult at first but now everything's falling into place.
Do you know what’s the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain?
No? SO IT WAS YOU!!!
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
I didn’t understand why some people are into incest porn
then I remembered that taste is relative.
How do you learn how to talk to a lady?
Ask your mother
What does Alexander the Great have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
Same middle name.
Why is it hard to wake up in Athens?
Dawn is tough on Greece.
Three men go to heaven
At the gate into heaven St. Peter tells them, they can have everything they want as long as they do not step on a dark cloud. After that, they enter and have an amazing time. But after a week the first comes up to the others with his leg in a bear trap. The others ask him: "What happend?" "I stepped on a dark cloud" – he replies. After another week the second man comes up to the others in a wheel chair and blind on one eye. "Yeah, before you guys ask. Yes, I stepped on a dark cloud." After another week the third man comes up with a hot, astonishing and absolute breathtaking woman by his side. The others, obviously confused, ask him: "Hey, what happened to you? Please explain." "Stepped on a dark cloud" – she replies.
I got an email saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backward.”
And I thought, “that’s just spam”.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive West.
Did you hear about the guy who flew so close to the sun that he touched it at exactly one point?
He was a real tan gent.
I was doing a little shopping at my local grocery store.
As the cute cashier was ringing up my stuff, she saw that all I had was some ramen noodles, frozen burritos, and canned spaghetti. She giggled and said “I can tell your single”. I laughed and asked “what gave it away?” She said “you’re fuckin ugly”
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler…
The Deep State, like goblins and the ogres upset children and the feeble-minded
https://ift.tt/3d5lc23
Due to reposts I now try to guess the punchline before i open up a joke on Reddit. Can you guess how many I’ve gotten correct?
Bus driver. If you thought I was going to say "nun" you were probably surprised.
What do french people smoke?
Oui'd.
You’re riding a horse full speed. There’s a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you, what do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel.
R.I.P. boiled water… you will be mist
No text found
What do you call an unvaccinated toddler’s tantrum?
A mid-life crisis
Why did Costco stop selling 5 gallon jars of pickles?
shelving them was cucumbersome
Sony, Panasonic, Toshiba.
They're all stereo types.
A guy walks into a bar…
notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money…" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do: First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke…
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
A guy came up to me and said, “Man your clothes are so gay”
I said, “I know, they came out of the closet this morning”