Big brain
As a lumberjack i know i have cut down 2,718 trees.
Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well I’m not gonna spread it!
These days you can’t even say “blackboard” anymore.
The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."
What do biographers and serial killers have in common?
Multiple life sentences.
![SALUTE ME WHILE I STEAL FROM THIS ARTIST [Credit to u/evalinee on r/im14andthisisdeep]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/mlg3izzk87j21-400x515.png)
I think Helium hates my jokes.
He doesn’t react to any of them.
Dad:”I need to call the doctor today.” Mom:” Which doctor?”
Dad: "No the regular kind."
The canoe store has a big sale last week.
It was quite the oar deal.
Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?
Cop: It was a moving violation.
Tried to grab the fog this morning
unfortunately, I mist.
I’m not super experienced with wood carving.
I only know a whittle.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.
Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious – I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!" Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant…" Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad
I drunk wakes up after a very long night of drinking.
He smells coffee and bacon/eggs cooking.He staggers down stairs to find his wife making breakfast, the papers on the counter and a tall cool glass of water is in her hand for him. He stumbles over and takes the glass from her expecting the worst but she smiles and gives him a kiss on the cheek and tells him to relax and she will bring him his breakfast when it's ready. He timidly asked her….so what happened last night when I got home? Well you silly bastard, you got home absolutely shitfaced and couldn't even get undress to go to bed. When I tried to help you out of your clothes you shouted get your filthy hands off me you fucking whore….I'm married, than you passed out.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
THIS is what I saw when I turned on my computer today… What year is it again?
https://ift.tt/2qaiYuH
A television newslady is interviewing a horse that can tell whether a person is a homosexual or not. “Am I homosexual?” Asked the newslady. “Neigh,” said the horse.
The newslady turns to the camera and says, "you heard it folks. 'Straight' from the horses mouth."
My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
I said, “That’s Superman.” He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
Don’t make fun of fat people with lisps…
They're thick and tired of it
Why is it rude to fart in church?
Because of everyone else that has to sit in your pew.
I absolutely hate elevators…….
I take steps to avoid them
A horse walks into a bar…
The bartender said “Hey”, then the horse “you read my mind buddy.”
Son, have a vodka with me!
No, thanks, dad. Come, have a drink with your father! Dad, I'm 5. – Dad is shitfaced but he insists: Ok, just one shot. The kid drinks it and start crying: Ewwwww, it's disgustiiiiiiing! Ha! You see?! And your mother thinks I'm sitting here having fun! (Russian joke)
My obese parrot died the other day
I’m very sad but I gotta say it’s a big weight off my shoulders
I know a great joke about unrefined oil, but I can’t post it here.
It's a little too crude.
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drinker
Your momma’s so fat…
I tried to picture her in my head and it broke my neck.
My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.
Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl..”
Boss: There’s no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities. Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity.
![I switched pens in Kyle’s Gouache set [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/vrcf7f17za451-400x360.jpg)
A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant
A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought he would get. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates
Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
I snuck up behind my daughter and whispered, “I think our microwave and our TV are spying on us!!! And I also think our vacuum cleaner…”
"…has been gathering dirt on us for years!"
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking weed.
The judge says: "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday to see how you got on" On Monday, the judge asks the first guy: "How did you do over the weekend?" Guy 1: "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever" Judge: "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " Guy 1: "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this; O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" Guy 2: "Well, your honor, I persuaded 350 young guys to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "350 people! How did you manage to do that?" Guy 2: "Well, I used a similar diagram, I drew two circles like this; o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your arsehole before prison………….."
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I’m just going to get some cigarettes
I’ll be right back
I finally got myself a girlfriend!
I wish I could post this in another subreddit…
We cannot allow this year to end!!
That would be admitting that 2021
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
