big brain O chem meme
Your pupils. They dilate
Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage guy going through puberty this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram. Being free for the first time i started to celebrate. Ate bacon my first day, had Hindu friends in a week, and within the month i had even met a girl. I was shy and awkward as i could possibly be but she liked me and thought i was funny. She was a little too hipster punk for me, listing to music i've never heard and using words like tubular and bae, but i loved it. Within two months we were dating. It was going great until my father heard about it. The Hindus and bacon he could overlook, but the women to him were really wrong. To him this was too much and he even claimed me of having sex with her. As if it couldn't get any weirder he actually demanded i show him my penis to prove i haven't been having sex. I had to ask him twice to make sure i heard him right. It was awkward but living under his roof i had to do as he commands. I started to go out with her on dates and every time i came home i had to whip it out for dad. It might be insane, but i actually am ok with dicks out for haram bae.
She really wanted a daughter.
A layer lair.
Now he’s aware wolf
Dad: Make sure you're screwing down into the wood Son: Oh crap, I screwed up
I don’t know. I don’t speak French.
Because they're so good at it.
He is served a pint of lager. "1 penny please" said the barman "1 penny? a pint of lager is just 1 penny? said Dave "That's right, all beers are just a penny today" said the barman. after he had about 5 pints, he asks for a bottle of wine "That's also a penny a bottle, in fact you can have 3 bottles of wine for just 2 pennies" said the barman. Dave can't believe it, this is the greatest bar ever. He orders 100 bottles and still has change in his wallet. "How much for a whiskey" he asks "Whiskey is free today, in fact all spirits are free..what would you like? said the barman Dave orders every full bottle from all the shelves and calls for a taxi to take him home and to load up all the booze. Before he leaves he says to the barman "Sir, you are the greatest bar owner I have ever met" "Oh I'm not the owner" said the barman "I just work here" "Where's the owner?" asks Dave "He's in a hotel somewhere with my wife" "What's he doing with her there there?" asks Dave The barman replied "The same thing I'm doing to his business"
He's now known as Dr Awkward.
Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman but he was too scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship.
One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around, appearing as if she was having a sexual dream. Superman thought… “She’s probably dreaming about me, and you know what, I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly in, fuck her and fly out, and she wouldn’t know what happened!” So he did exactly that. He flew in quickly, did her and flew away. “What the hell was that?”, Wonder Woman asked. “I don’t know, but my asshole is killing me!”, Invisible Man answered.
The shopkeeper asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said “no, it’s going in the living room”.
When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now. The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian." The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down "that's funny…"
Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He’s a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock…
Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No idiot… Cows go moo!
What's a thousand times better than Instagram? Instakilogram
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple 😀
I said, "I'm not too fussy as long as it doesn't have ghosts in."
But on the plus side,…it still works.
With a sea-saw.
…I can't pull anything out in time!
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all. And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!" And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!" And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, sure. But never end the thing the lord gave us without changing everything first. I'm leaving tomorrow on a boat for Europe. I know one of the stevedores. I'll find you a place to stowaway, and we can start a new life over there. I'll make you happy. You'll make me happy. It doesn't have to be like this." And she agrees. That night they meet in darkness and he smuggles her aboard one of the lifeboats belowdeck. He brings her a blanket, and some food, and for three weeks they have this tryst. Each night he brings her a sandwich and they talk and make passionate love until the dawn. But. After the third week, the captain is doing a routine inspection belowdecks, and he hears a quiet rustling in one of the lifeboats And he pulls back the tarp and sees her, shaking in fear. "WHAT are you doing here, madam??" And she tells all, "I…I'm a stowaway! I have an…arrangement with one of the sailors on this ship. He's helping us get to Europe, and he lets me hide out in this lifeboat, smuggling me food." "And?" says the captain "And…well. He's screwing me." and the captain says, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry!"
I guess that makes me an iWitness!
He conditioned it
It's one of the many benefits of being self employed
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
But he spends all his time on his dashboard
With one good vowel movement