BIG BRAIN QUESTIONS
Why was the card dealer at the casino so resilient?
He dealt with whatever was thrown his way
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
“I swear, I’m kicking you out of the house if you don’t stop singing Christmas music.”
But, baby, it’s cold outside!
What do you call a French man wearing sandals?
Phillippe Phillop.
I respect tyres.
They've got plenty of wheelpower.
My wife and I argued about the roof of a building.
I hope it doesn't terrace apart.
A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, “Giraffe, don’t smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!”
The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr Sheep, don't do heroin! Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!" The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin. The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing and in this clearing is a tiger. Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer. The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, "Mr Tiger, don't drink beer! Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!" The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit and back his beer. He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him. He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw and starts mauling the shit out of the rabbit! The giraffe and sheep are in shock. And they scream, "Dude, what the fuck!? He was just trying to help you!" The tiger turns to them and growls, "Every time that fucking rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the fucking forest!"
Most people don’t know…
…but back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?
Deer balls, they’re under a buck… (Told to me by my 12yo son)
I used to think it was strange working at the planet’s largest mint.
Now, it makes all the cents in the world.
“it is what it is”
“it is what it is”
[NSFW] Did you hear about the drug addicted duck?
It couldn’t stop getting high on quack
My wife told me vacation sex was the best…
Worst postcard ever.
US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.
The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren’t as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back–wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask… is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t uttered a single word this whole time," the officer asks with concern. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215."
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Today I told my girlfriend her eyebrows were drawn too high
She seemed surprised.
That’s a hard catch! If it’s windy it’s a challenge…..but it was the thought which counts, lol
That’s a hard catch! If it’s windy it’s a challenge…..but it was the thought which counts, lol
What advice was given to a depressed car?
You have no more energy left to live, you just need try to fuel yourself.
Knock Knock
"Who is there?" "Grandma!" "Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"
A Priest and a Cowboy are walking in the desert
They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese. "Fuck, I missed!" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing. "Fuck, I missed" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" Same thing happens a third time. Suddenly the Heavens open up and a lightning bolt strikes the priest down. An omnipresent voice, trembling with conviction says: "Fuck, I missed"
How would life be without women?
A pain in the ass…
If i had $1 for every girl that didn’t find me attractive..
.. they would eventually find me attractive
2 Smoking Grandmas & 1 Condom
Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Arlene: What the hell is that? Jane: It's a condom. This way my cigarette don't get wet. Arlene: Where'd you get that at? Jane: You can get them at the pharmacy down the road! The next day, Arlene hobbles her way into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (as she is over 80 years of age) but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand condom she prefers. Arlene exclaims, "Don't matter honey, as long as it fits on a Camel!" *pharmacist faints*
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
Did you know diarrhea Is hereditary?
It runs in our jeans
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England…
… guess you could say he sleighed it
It’s only kamikaze if it came from the Kamikaze region in Japan…
Otherwise it's just plane suicide.
Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.
They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED". The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in. The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog." "A doberman for a guide dog?" The waiter asks, skeptical. "Yes." The man replies. "Dobermans are very loyal. They're easy to train and protective too. They're born for the job." The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table. The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in. The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog." "A chihuahua for a guide dog?" The waiter asks. "A chihuahua?" The man asks. "They gave me a chihuahua?!"
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
FYI, If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head.
– – – Because it's capsized
You can’t change the weather in the tree
But you can climate
Why didnt 4 ask out 5?
Because he was 2²
My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.
He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe