Big brain time bois
Iโve lost my scapegoat.
I have nobody to blame but myself.
Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time
Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.
I was having trouble fastening my seat belt
and then it just clicked
A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.
Genie: “Whatโs your first wish?”
Steve: "I wish I was rich!" Genie: "Okay, what's your next wish?" Rich: "I wish I had lots of money!"
Dad: Did I make myself clear?
Son: No, we can all still see you.
I want to go to Vegas next year
But I can't find any information about what happens there
I asked my son if he saw the newspaper…
Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says. Damn fly never stood a chance
Whatโs blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
What do you call a crossword puzzle that only has bad words in it?
A cross word puzzle.
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
Don’t be sarcastic with a kleptomaniac.
They take everything literally
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
โWell," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" โYes," replies Jeff with a laugh. โWell," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally built up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." โThat's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." โSensible" says Jeff. โSo I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." โAnd what happened then?" โI kicked her in the face."
I don’t know any dean jokes.
No text found
I have decided not to vaccinate my kids.
I believe it's best to let the doctor do it.
Wife: “I made our daughter a waffle this morning.”
Me: "Well thanks for changing her back."
I feel bad for deep sea fish..
They have a lot of pressure on them.
Why didnโt the lifeguard save the hippy?
Because he was too far out man
What’s black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions?
Our helpline is open 24/7!
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: holding a cup Do it to my tea! Magician: waves hand Done! om: holding a cup It didn't work
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
Family friendly, short comedy skits. Hope you enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLdyvNZPJZJucPl3l_p191g5IXemEtpOfg
Back when writing in pointlessly complicated ways was a form of social esteem
https://ift.tt/3aCum58
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
When a women is giving birth, sheโs literally kidding.
No text found
A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question
"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?" The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond. She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the class what you think freedom is dear" The little boy comes up to the front of the class and the teacher hands him a big thick dictionary of english. "Go on dear, find us the definition of freedom" The boy arrives at the section for F and finds the definition. "Freedom means doing whatever you want whenever you feel like it with total disregard for others no matter the consequences it has for the people around you or the destruction it causes. Freedom is the broken record answer you give to end every reasonable arguement where someone tries to get you to do something you don't feel like doing." The teacher is shocked, The class looks up stunned and confused and the little boy bows his head in dissapointment, tears filling his eyes. About to console the little boy, the teacher notices the cover of the dictionary and beams a bright smile. "Don't worry class!" she rejoices, "That one is American English" Made in response to all the lockdown protestors in America who won't stfu and stop putting their country to shame. They don't define America Edit: I'm confused by the angry Americans, Why come to r/jokes without your sense of humour. It's not meant as a slight to america as a whole, just that small group who are protesting the lockdowns.
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
I went in my son’s room today and told him he was adopted. He said “I knew it, who are my parents?”
…I told him he didn't understand… we were his parents, and he had ten minutes to pack.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He shouts, โA beer please! And one for the road!โ