How warm is a janitor’s closet?
Broom Temperature.
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
What has 50 pairs of eyes but only three teeth?
The front row at a Trump rally.
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”
The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion.
My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother
until my mom took the urn from me.
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it drowns, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O."
Squirrels In Church
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer & consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, & they should not interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrel's & made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
I’m a huge Star Wars fan and my wife wanted a divorce
So I handed her the divorce papers and said “may div orce be with you”
I’m doing a one man show about puns at my local theater…..
……it's a play on words.
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman….
“Can I have a drink for me and one for the road”
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months. P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nive
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
He said, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Is my local newspaper trying to fight back against us meddling millennial and gen z’s?
https://ift.tt/33US5ur
I drew a 90° angle perfectly yesterday.
Looks like I finally did something right.
I was just attacked by a man with a rack of spices!
It was a salt and peppery.
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, ….
He will be rolling in his grave.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
No text found
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.
I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.
[NSFW] How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It’s not hard.
My wife found out I was cheating when she saw the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
It was horrible, nothing left but de Brie.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
I was about to tell a joke about unemployment
but it needs some work