Big number

Like roman numerals.

It's always been so supportive.

I know he means well.

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘ As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challenge given and goes first. She notices the swamp barely reaches her ankles and thinks ‚Well, that‘s what you get for lying. At least, I did it for a better Europe.‘ Curious about how the others are doing, she looks behind her and sees Putin covered in mud up to his knees. Furiously, she shouts: ‚This is impossible! Your reign was a dictatorship, you influenced world politics and economics to your benefit and you’ve achieved all that only by telling lies. How is it possible you‘re only knee-deep in this swamp?‘ Calmly, Putin answers: ‚Hush! I‘m standing on top of Donald and he hasn‘t noticed yet.‘ Edit 1: Fixed a typo Edit 2: Thanks for the silver, kind stranger! Also, hi r/awardspeechedits

He would boldly go where no man had gone before.

A gillie suit.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests. “We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?” “Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.” Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, the host says, “Sorry, no pets allowed.” “Can’t you see?” says Jim. “I am blind. This is my Seeing Eye dog.” “But it’s a Doberman pinscher. Who uses a Doberman pinscher as a Seeing Eye dog?” the host asks. “Oh,” Jim responds, “you must not have heard. This is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog. They do a very good job.” Seeing that it worked, John tries walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he can open his mouth, the host says, “Don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog.” John responds angrily, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.” Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with” The men let out a cheer. This wouldn’t be so hard. The first man steps up and observes his surroundings. Finally, he picks a sturdy looking boulder to place on his back. “Ready,” he says. Satan raises his whip and yells, “ONE!” CRACK The boulder immediately splits in half. “Aw fuck this,” says the first man. “I’ll just stay.” Satan smirks and asks, “Who’s next?” The second man steps up and, without picking any protection, gets in position. “Are you sure about that?” asks Satan, to which the man replies with “I have trained my mind and body to ignore any unnecessary pain. I need no protection.” “Whatever you say, pal.” Satan raises his arm and yells, “ONE!” CRACK The man slightly flinches, his pain evident, but he remains upright. Annoyance flashes across Satan’s face. He raises his arm again and shouts, “TWO!” CRACK Again, the man remains upright, all the way up to the tenth whipping. The man gets up, weary but happy. Satan looks furious and says, “Whatever, goodjob. You, third guy, you’re next. What are you picking?” The third man takes in his surroundings, lays his eyes on his choice and says, “I’m gonna pick the second guy.”

That percentage is zero. That's a good percentage of Nazi friends to have.

One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.

It is very refreshing

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

He said he couldn't complain.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."

I just like the way it smells.

She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Mount Rushmore

No text found

It’s about time!

(Walmart, son, stranger interaction.) Son: hi, I got a haircut. Stranger: looks like you got more than just one. Son: (silence) Me: bent over losing it

The man asks, “And how would you do that?” ​ The woman says, “Just wait and see.” ​ She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. ​ The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?” ​ The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” ​ The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” ​ The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” ​ The man says, “I’m going home, too. How am I supposed to work in the dark?”

​ "Leeeeeetttttssss get rrrrrrrrrready to Buuuuuuummmmmmmmmmbbbbbbllllllleeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"

I left my phone in Airplane mode

ihop.

One snatches your watch and the other one watches your snatch.

And lesbians should not scissor with the runs

He’s a mean one, Mr. Grinch.

It was absolutely ribbiting

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training."

I hope you’re happy!

He orders a bear.

Through the Dumbell door

Twobearculousis

The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi dooo!