Big Oof

A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "Your chest is fucking epic."
Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln can’t turn left
It just goes all-right all-right all-right
I’ve never been good at scrapbooking…
…but I guess I can give it the ol' collage try.
Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at
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To be Frank
I’d have to change my name
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
What’s the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like The Flintstones but those in Abu Dhabi do.
My first-time pregnant wife asks “why does it take so long for me to warm up?”
Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now." I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.
My shoe split at work today
I knew this job would take my sole
What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies.
When Beethoven passed away…
…He was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eight Symphony, and it's backwards too! Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… The Sixth… The Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery: "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
For anyone attending Stan Lee’s funeral…
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games. I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” He considered that for a moment before replying…
"Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall.
As he turned and sneered at me, I thought, "that's a little condescending."
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
Nobody ever asks “How is Coke doing ?”
It's always "Is Pepsi ok ?"
My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe
I said its Narnia buisness
My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple
Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes
How do bees brush their hair?
A honeycomb.
My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .
It's the Wurst Käse scenario Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
NSFW.. Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” Priest: “What have you done my child?”
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
I saw Santa following me around in the mall, and I asked him why.
He said, “Christmas stalking.”
Three guys stranded on a desert island…
They find a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says I'll grant each of you one wish. First guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Second guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Third guy: It's kinda lonely… I wish those guys were back. POOF! The other two re-appear! Edit: Spelling
A patient bursts into his therapist’s office and shouts, “Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming that I’m trapped in a deck of cards!”
The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
Two men are discussing a business transaction.
Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?" Seller: "You mean a choir?" Buyer: *visibly frustrated* "Fine, how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?"
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
What do you call a hipster’s wife?
Mississippi!
My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison
That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.