Today I launched a book aimed at 9-12 year olds.
I proud to say I managed to hit one of the little shits!
What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park?
Ask them for their watergraph.
50 Shades of Gray
#4e5054, #272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676, #777777, #7b7b7b, #7c7c7c, #7d7d7d, #7e7e7e, #808080, #818181, #838383, #868686, #878787, #888888, #898989, #8b8b8b, #8c8c8c, #8e8e8e, #919191, #929292, #949494, #959595, #979797, #9a9a9a, #9b9b9b, #9c9c9c, #9d9d9d, #9f9f9f, #a0a0a0, #a2a2a2, #a5a5a5, #a6a6a6, #a8a8a8, #a9a9a9, #ababab, #aeaeae, #afafaf, #b0b0b0.
I wasnโt allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time…
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
Doctor: “Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright.”
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
People keep telling me Iโm the worst mailman theyโve ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
My mom used to feed me by saying: โHere comes the train!โ I always ate everything.
Otherwise she wouldnโt untie me from the tracks.
People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid…
Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!
Argentina is kind of cold this time of year…
In fact, itโs borderline Chile.
I told my friend I hope to deliver a joke half as well as her some day.
Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursomeโฆ
I guess now it's clear why everybody calls me handsome.
Dont have sex with sad people.
They're just trying to fill a hole.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off!
My Dad says I hammer like lightning!
I never strike in the same place twice.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except for the movie Up. He's never gonna give you Up.
The psychic convention is cancelled
Due to unforeseen circumstances
A girl told me she wanted to be “just friends”.
I said "Can we be friends with benefits?". She said "So, you just want sex?". I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job…
We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, โBy the way, which companies are after you?โ I responded, โThe gas, electric and cable company.โ
I told my son I was named after Stephen Hawking
Son: โBut dad, your name is John.โ Me: โI know, but I was named AFTER Stephen Hawking.โ
I could never date a single mum.
Because then they wouldn't be single.
I once had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
My friend helped me get into beekeeping. He gave me some to get me started.
He said they were freebees.
I’m secretly a billionaire but I’m raising my kids as lower middle-class to not spoil them.
It's working perfectly. They're in their mid-forties and still don't know.
Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self…
I have selfish steam issues.
I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were.
She said "They're right behind you".
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
How did Darth Vader know Santa had arrived?
He could sense his presents.