Did you hear the meh French woodworking tourism slogan?
Come see, come saw
I invited all my friends over for my thirty second birthday
After half a minute they all went home.
Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin…
After dinner they’re hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says “watch this”. He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick. After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and yells “stop!”, and without a word she gets up and walks out of the room. Putin turns to Trump and says “you wanna try?” “Sure” Trump says, “but don’t smack me on the back of the head please, that looks like it hurts”.
Kid: Dad, let me be frank…. and if you say, “Hi Frank, I’m Dad”, I’m gonna be super pissed.
Dad: Gotcha, gonnabesuperpissed.
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are seeing a marriage counselor… counselor ask’s Mickey, “let me get this straight – you want a divorce because you say Minnie is silly?”
To which Mickey responds “no, I said she was FUCKING GOOFY”
My friend claims he can print a gun in using his 3D printer…
But I'm not impressed, I've had a canon printer for ages.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
I WRITE ALL MY PUNS IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN OSLO!
Who can drink two litres of Gas?
jerry can.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
Can't wait to see his face light up, when he opens it.
My wife says that she won’t let our newly born son have an insect surname.
But I'm quite Adam Ant about it.
Trump’s gonna build the wall out of…
Hillary's emails. Nobody can get over those fuckin' things apparently
What do you call a boat made of penises and potatoes?
A dictatorship =3
My wife told me that if I bought her one more idiotic gift, she’ll just burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
I’m running out of drugs and drug $$ not even sure if I’m doing this right…..
https://ift.tt/2Z0YCDy
“Boss, can I have a week off around Christmas?”
Boss: It’s May. “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup…
I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.
Some bloke just threw a glass of milk at me…
I thought, how dairy
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
When i was younger i had a invisible Japanese friend…
as i grew up i just realised it was just my imagine-asian
What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and use it again.
Did you read the news about corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines everywhere!
My mirror is really enjoying quarantine.
It has a lot time to reflect.
So I got a virus on my computer
And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared. Must have ransomware.
Me after finding my bro who went on a date with the hello kitty girl
Me after finding my bro who went on a date with the hello kitty girl
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunning pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks."You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," She replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
My wife left me because she thinks I’m too insecure…
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
(At court) Me: Your honor, between the hours of 10 pm and 11 pm, I was having sex.
Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial. Me: I know. I just want it on the record.