Bigly owning the libs by shedding manly tears
I want to share a corona virus poem I wrote today.
Everybody was Kung Flu fighting, That crap was fast as lightning, In fact, it was a little bit frightening, The experts couldnβt predict the timing, Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, βGet out. We donβt serve rope in here.β So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, βHey! Arenβt you the rope that I just threw out?β The rope replied, βNo. Iβm a frayed knot.β
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him…
She says hello. Heβs rather taken aback because he canβt place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies: "I think youβre the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says: "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly: "No, Iβm your sonβs teacher."
Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year’s resolution was
She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes. Oh, and also fuck you.
You can never run through campgrounds
You can only ran, because itβs past tents
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol IS a solution.
I don’t know why Marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk…
He's basically a giant banner.
I was going to tell a joke about Noble gases,
But I knew I'd get no reaction.
“Russian Roulettes are safe”
-5/6 Scientists
I just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth.
No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, βYou know, Iβd like another one.β
For those who suffer from paranoia, please remember youβre not alone.
Theyβre always watching.
My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.
I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.
2020 was simultaneously a year ago and 10 years ago, time no longer makes sense
2020 was simultaneously a year ago and 10 years ago, time no longer makes sense
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused to eat, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly with him again.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
I saw a sign that said ‘do not touch’, however there was something weird about the sign….
I couldn't put my finger on it….
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .
I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.
So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.
In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he replied "I had a gig"
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey… a deal's a deal.
I recently took a pole and 100% of the people…
…were upset when their tent collapsed
What do ducks smoke?
Quack.