Bigly owning the libs by shedding manly tears
2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.
The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!" The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.
Not a joke, just a thank you.
But seriously, thank you to everyone on this sub. I end my class periods with a joke of the day every day and I usually take them from here. There is never a day where the students don't unanimously sigh at the punch line!
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
But it's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
Scientists have finally figured out how much sleep a teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
Two lawyers walk into a pub
They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their brief cases. They begin to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!" The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.
My wife accidentally killed one of her plants by over watering…
I told here I guess it wasn't the right Thyme for it. Yes, it was a Thyme plant. (My son is too young to understand how great her eye roll was so I need recognition somewhere)
A bear goes to the bar and says “can I get one whiskey………………and one coke”
The bartender asked "why the big pause" The bear replies "I was born with them"
I know a great joke about unrefined oil, but I can’t post it here.
It's a little too crude.
A tree’s first winter must be terrifying.
Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
DAD: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? SON: Envelope.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile…
So my 8yo son wanted to learn programming. He fiddled around with LOGO when suddenly he started swearing like never before…
.. I went over to him trying to calm him down and figure out what was wrong. He shouted at the screen that “this damn turtle won’t draw what he told it to”. At this moment he went completely silent starring at his code. Then he performed his first genuine face palm stating that he forgot to put the “pendown”.Yes dear son, this is how programmers feel literally every day.
A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
Today my doctor told me I was colorblind.
The results came completely out of the purple…
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he’d had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur
You will get jurasskicked
I wouldn’t recommend becoming an escapologist.
I can't get out.
Why did the farmer keep forgetting where he left his pigs?
He suffered from hamnesia.
Financial collapse in Japan
Origami Bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song. There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank…shareholders are afraid they might get a raw deal. Kamikaze Bank shares have nose-dived. 500 jobs at Karate Bank have been chopped.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi's
What’s the difference between The Sahara and Jello
One is an inhospitalble desert and the other is an in hospital dessert.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
Why is it called the Dark Age?
Because of all the Knights.
Chess
So I started practicing my chess skills the other day. I've played against myself over 100 times! I'm pretty sure it's working! I haven't lost a single game yet
I got fired today because my manager caught me masturbating with a vegetable during my break
Apparently nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you can do with the patients.
Yesterday I got mugged by six dwarves
Not happy
Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder…
But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on… A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19…
Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?
The Deep State, like goblins and the ogres upset children and the feeble-minded
https://ift.tt/3d5lc23
Sweet dreams are made of cheese.
Who am I to diss a brie?
Why does a chicken coup have only 2 doors
If it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan. Ok, I'm leaving …..
I’ve been diagnosed with the fear of giants…
…feefiphobia
What do you call the wooden Batman?
Spruce Wayne
I went to the doctor because I was having hearing problems. “Can you describe the symptoms ?”, he asked.
I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"
Someone called me average today.
That's mean.
A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bar tender asked, "do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants?" And the pirate said, "arrr it's driving me nuts!"
Husband to wife. ”Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm.”
Wife, “I don’t like calling you at work.”
Why are fish the easiest animals to weigh?
Because they come with their own scales.
My friend recently came out and said he was gay.
But I didn’t believe him because he said it with a straight face
Kung Fu student asks his teacher: “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.”
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.