Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates.
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It's pasteurized before you even see it!
Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit
now it's a disapointsettia.
A four chin teller
I could do it with my eyes closed
Gimli and the Hobbits are short and walk under it.
Everyone I ask can't remember either.
Nothing dentured, nothing gained!
Guy spits out his coffee and says to the waitress ” I dont mean to be rude, but this coffee tastes like dirt”
She replys: well yea, you told me to make sure it was fresh ground
……it's a play on words.
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
Hindsight will be 2020.
It scares the hell out of the dog.
A dad walks in on his daughter having sex with her boyfriend. The girl, startled, says, “I’m sorry, Dad.”
Dad, to her: Hi Sorry, I’m Dad. Then he turns to the boyfriend and says, “Are you fucking sorry?”
He had a hunch
They were great yolks
80% of guys with six-pack abs don’t like girls.
…but that’s the highest form of flattery.
I don't see anything funny there.
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was that they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn't drive for shit.
…worst postcard ever.
I can really taste the change.
Because he was too far out
They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles. Luckily, a fakir just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish." The first blonde wished she was an excellent swimmer. And with a snap of the fakir's fingers, her physique changed. She ran off and tried to cross the river, but the crocodiles ate her quickly. The second blonde had to rethink, and decided to ask for a rowing boat, as swimming proved to be no option. Without hesitation a rowing boat appeared before their eyes. She got in, and rowed across. But when she was barely halfway across, the crocodiles broke enough of her boat to let it sink, and she too was eaten. The third blonde had to think really hard. (Mind you, she took her time.) After a while, she exclaimed: "You know, I always wanted to try a different hair colour." and as soon as she was finished talking, her hair colour changed to brown. "OH!" she then said "Look over there, a bridge."
Because, he’s never going to give you Up! Told by Siri on my HomePod
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
There was recently a new type of mite discovered, and its existence might date back to prehistoric times
They're naming it dinomite
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Police are combing the area.
I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield… the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
Just dont put it your back pocket.
I responded "Well, dam"
Because they have snow-caps!
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
Because he could not see that well.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
It only takes one nail to hang a picture