I got my dad a mathematician/prostitute for his birthday.
it's the thot that counts.
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.
It's the little things that count!
After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
The NFL has this obscure rule where players aren’t allowed to own pet ducks.
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
Why People Still Use “Woke” Like They Do, I Have No Idea
Why People Still Use “Woke” Like They Do, I Have No Idea
I’ll let you have this roof for free
It's on the house
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?
An investi-gator
Walls of youth
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father took an outing to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son….. 'Go get your Mother'
Without coins, the US currency would be utter non-cents
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Common sense is like AIDS.
Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.
I’ve just started knitting for the Mafia
They call me Scarf Ace
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
How many alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain
To keep each udder dry
Trump, Clinton, Obama, and Bush each ran a mile.
Trump made a time of 11:56 Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31 Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03 But Bush did 9:11
What’s it called when a hooker farts?
A prosti-toot
I book a doctor’s appointment.
I don't know why he couldn't just do it himself.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!
How long does it take to master the art of Italian cooking?
Time cannoli tell
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They are efficient and not very funny
Guy walks into a bar
Lucky bastard
I tell a lot of dad jokes, but I don’t have kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pas.
If you mix a lion and a tiger you get a liger. If you mix a horse and a donkey you get a mule. What happens when you mix an orangutan and a lawyer?
Nothing. The lawyer doesn't have enough human DNA.
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll.
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Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
Why do teenagers love meat so much?
Because meat is Protein…I…I should go
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken