What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens!
ONE OF MY KIDS BROKE MY CAPS LOCK KEY.
I’M NOT UPSET, BUT DON’T KNOW HOW TO SHOW IT.
A book fell on my head yesterday
I guess I only have my shelf to blame
I was so late to the cannibal banquet
They just gave me a cold shoulder
What’s a bowlers favorite kind of vegetable?
A spare I guess
Getting ladies to stop eating Tide pods was relatively easy.
But for whatever reason, it was much more difficult to deter gents.
COVID spelled backwards is DIVOC
which is fitting cause I have no idea what DIVOC is going on
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick." As they left, the younger doctor remarked, "You didn't even examine that woman!" and then asked, "How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?" "Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what has probably been making her sick." The younger doctor replied, "Pretty clever! If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, both physicians spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run-down lately." "You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, as she is very active in the church." Then he asked, "But how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.
Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.
Oops sorry. Wrong bus.
An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast
for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12-year-old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, who exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, who replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
What’s worse than a loading animation?
Two loading animations!
“Welcome back, everybody” is apparently not a good way to start your speech
if you're the best man at your buddy's second wedding.
What do you call a dyslexic atheist?
A person who doesn't believe in dog.
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.
He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
When I was in college, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.
Apparently you needed to be a complete dick.
My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is a very rare dish order.
British people be like: I’m bri ish
I guess they drank the t
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He’ll be born in February.
Bigly missing someone who sounds like they have more than a third grade education.
https://ift.tt/2wDJ50J
My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts – Made in China."
What’s the difference between a fish, a piano, and a stick of glue?
You can’t tuna fish! “What about the glue?” I knew you’d get stuck on that!
What’s the difference between a mechanic and a priest?
The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.
When my wife and I got married, we were really poor but she stood by me during those times.
She had to. We only had one chair.