Bioinformatics be like
If life gives you melons…
You might have dyslexia.
My cocaine addiction is getting out of hand
It's time to draw the line.
What do you call it when a midget gives head?
A below job
The greatest Schrodinger punchline…
or maybe not.
[First day as a waiter] Me: How would you like your steak?
Customer: Well done. Me: Thanks. That’s nice of you, I’m really nervous.
A man walks in a bar and says: ‘I’d like 7 double wiskeys, please.’
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey. As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another. The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?' The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey. 'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender. The man: 'not a single penny'
A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.
A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch. The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, two kids, and a monkey. He asks the monkey, not expecting much, what had happened. The monkey responds with a gesture of crashing. So he asks further. “What was the Father doing?” The monkey scratches his head, nods and does a drinking gesture. “Oh so he was drinking?” The monkey nods his head excitedly. The officer asks, “what was the Mother doing?” The monkey thinks for a moment, and does a mouth talking gesture. “Bitching?” The cop guessed. The monkey with a smile nods his head in excitement. The cop looks in the back and asks. “What were the kids doing?” The monkey thinks a moment and starts hitting the air. “So they were fighting?” The monkey nods his head. Then the officer asked, “What were you doing?” Without hesitation the monkey smiles making a steering wheel gesture.
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c?
Because you can't see in the dark.
I was pissed off at my buddy Mark who borrowed my dictionary and refuses to return it.
I said, “Mark, my words!”
There’s nothing like the first floor of a house. But the upstairs…
Well that’s a different story.
Why Don’t Roofers Like Getting Married?
Because they prefer the shingle life!
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Why does the Dalai Llama go to Vegas so often?
He loves Tibet.
How to effectively ensure everyone around you respects 6 ft social distancing
https://ift.tt/3deHhLa
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens!
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m a believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was joking…
…and then I saw her face…
What is the difference between a cult and a religion?
In a cult the main person knows it's all bullshit. In religion that person is dead.
A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster tales for a cent on the menu.
He asks the waiter: "Why they are available so cheap? What's wrong with them?" Waiter says, "Nothing, actually they've been bought here just today." So the man orders some. The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says, "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster…"
I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I’ve ever had.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis.
How Long is a Chinese name
No seriously, it is
What do you call a bird that only shows up to work when it wants to?
A millenial falcon
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS?!
I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X
I don’t know why
My son used to swallow coins pretty regularly when he was a child.
I’ve definitely seen some change in him.
The titanic went down in 60 seconds
Let that sink in for a minute
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
An ambulance! He's got a car on his head!
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
A man walks into a bar NSFW
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After nursing his whiskey he notices a horse in the back of the bar. Curious he asks the bar-tender: "Hey, why the horse in the back of the bar" "Oh, that horse is Jim. We have a pool going. If anyone can make Jim laugh they can have all the money. It's $100 to try." The man thinks for a moment, removes $100 from his wallet, places the money on the bar, walks back, and whispers something in Jim's (the horse's) ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The man walks back to the bar, orders another whiskey, shoots it, takes his winnings and leaves. A few months later this strange man comes back to the bar. Again he orders a drink and again he asks about the horse. The bar tender replies: "Well, since you were last here we needed a new wager. Same deal only now we are looking for someone that can make Jim cry". Then places his money on the bar and walks back to the horse and moments later returns ; a weeping horse in his wake and inquires to his prize money. The bartender not letting go so easily asked, "Hold on mister. You have to tell me. how you won both pools" The man replies: "Last time, I told the horse my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him".
The first time I ever used an elevator was a real uplifting experience.
The second time was a big let down!!!
Electrician gets home late…
Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"
I think my microscope has ADHD.
It refuses to focus.
Just so everybody’s clear…
I'm going to put my glasses on..