Bird is totally me lol
Guess who came crawling back
Dad: I know, it’s because I use both of my nostrils
He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”
My boss told me to wear rubber gloves while dealing with customers this week. I told him “Fuck that.”
I’m doing these prostate exams my way.
The doctors described his condition as stable.
…that he had made the world’s flattest, blandest dough. To that I responded, “Prove it then!”
I don’t think I can ever repay you
My momma would send me down to the corner store with 1$ and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now… Too many fuckin' security cameras.
But, to be fair, they have striking similarities
I told him that I had Clausible deniability.
MARIO : why Judge : it’s a fine MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not
I don't know, it's not like I have 2020 vision!
Honestly, I should’ve seen the signs.
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
Because he is transparent
It's nice to have some company
There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What's that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
A plane bagel
You guys probably never heard of herbivore
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What denomination?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
I asked if she wanted it pasteurized. She said, "No, up to my tits is fine."
Like fucking the president. -Jeff Ross
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I’m disappointed.
I told them it was because they came out of the closet
“Do you need a bag sir?” Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly
We only do hare cuts.