*BLACK HOLE*
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
My grandfather’s in hospice, Dad asked him “how are you feeling?”
With my hands. OG dad joker till the end. Love you Grandfather.
My shoe split at work today
I knew this job would take my sole
I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspapers…
Times are rough.
Why don’t ghosts like rain on halloween?
It dampens theirs spirits.
People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing
And it’s discussing fucking.
I broke my finger today
On the other hand, I’m ok
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He slept all through math.
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrr!!!
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
I’m tired of hearing people say that age is just a number
When it's clearly a word!
Courtesy of my 11 yr old: why don’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will just let it go.
Some people are so ignorant about anatomy.
Just today I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.
You ever look at an ancient watering hole and go
“This aged well.”
I was telling my architect friends how much I love M.C. Escher.
They all gave me some weird stairs.
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?
You don't know what you're missing!
What do you call a zombie father?
The walking dad
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist
Atheism,
It’s a non-prophet organization.
What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?
I think I'll call it a day.
Atheism…
is a non-prophet organization.
I met an atheist who worked for a charity the other day..
She said it was a non-prophet organization.
Bartender asks a man “You ever had ann orange in your beer?”
Man says "Once, in a Blue Moon."
What’s bigger than a tow truck?
A foot truck!
Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend
I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
What has two butts and kills people ?
An assassin
42M with toilet paper seeking female with hand sanitiser …
… for some good clean fun
I have a fear of two letter words
I get scared just thinking about it!
Who will take the second shot of this billiards game?
Find out after the break!
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking cigarettes.
Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asks, "Grandpa can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asks, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "it most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
How does the lead singer from Rammstein ask his wife what she wants for breakfast?
Do. Do hash. Do hash browns. Do hash browns sound good. Do hash browns sound good.
If someone gave you $1,000,000 to replace their fuse…
would you refuse?
What borders on stupidity?
Mexico and Canada.
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
An idiot has a mirror in his closet.
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops “Police! There’s a burglar in my closet, come quickly!” A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can. “Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!”
Why should you never be abducted by a group of mime artists
Because they'll do unspeakable things to you.
I cry every time after sex.
I hate prison.
[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny. But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too." It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it. You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me. In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter. This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends united and bonded over how corny your dad was. Your friends stopped caring about trying to impress your dad and each other the second he ordered boneless cheese sticks with a big stupid grin. Corny dads make themselves lightning rods for cringiness so the lightning doesn't strike someone else. Source
There is a new restaurant named Karma
It does not have a menu Because you get what you deserve
Irish Prostitute
Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad… I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club … (takes a breath) … and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!
Can vegans eat pudding?
No! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!?
So, A Pirate goes to the bar and he has a Steering Wheel sticking out of his Crotch
So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?” so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
Sting has disappeared, The Police have no lead
No text found
Idea
Could the r/dankmemes reddit be banning non europeans just as a dank meme?
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
And they’re going to use AI to take over the world
And they’re going to use AI to take over the world
A man tells his friend, “I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl.”
His friend asks, "Who?"