Black Lives Matter
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
Ralph came home drunk one night
slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph. . ’ Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ’ Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. . The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’ ’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’ ’You’re ovulating, ’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’ ’Never, ’ said Ralph. ’Well, just relax and let it happen, ’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal. ’ Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell. . . . . "Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You've shit the bed"
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention
But everyone was blown away by the leaf blower.
Hey man, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was motherfucking gold
A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc. “There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”. That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks; “What’s for dinner honey?” No answer. He moves closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still no answer. He moves even closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife. “What’s for dinner honey?” “FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”
What’s big and grey and doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
You know what they say about a guy with big feet
They say "Sorry sir we don't have your shoe size"
What did Godzilla say after he devoured Hawaii?
I WANT SAMOA!!
The rules for religions and penises are the same.
It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.
I’m sick of all these people saying cats are liquid.
They're obviously non-Mewtonian.
9/11 jokes aren’t funny
The other 2/11 are quite good though!
A blacksmith finishes making a few horseshoes and leaves them on an anvil.
The blacksmith returns to the forge as a cowboy walks into the shop and picks one up only to put it back down immediately. "Hot ain't they?" the blacksmith asks. The cowboy replies, "Nope. It just don't take me too long to look at horseshoes."
Here’s a joke about my browser history:
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What do you call a super soaker that shoots blood?
A plasma gun
Told my wife i was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.
She asked where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.
Please don’t make any more jokes about the Coronavirus…
My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite… It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.
What do you get when you cross dyslexic, an insominac and a agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like, 0mg!
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion
No text found
How tall is Kanye West?
Oh, about Ye high
What do you call a sword that doesn’t weigh much?
A light saber
What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X
I don’t know why
My mom was telling dadjokes
He laughed
Minecraft is Racist
Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water–they can't swim.
Cashier at Publix asked if we wanted the milk in a bag…
I told her to please leave it in the jug. My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier 😀 The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.
My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.
I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps.
He gave me a blank stair.
Joke
My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.
Whats the name of the most badass debt collector?
Bond. Legal Bond.
What’s the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?
On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day, but on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN…
You make them VERY ANGRY.
People are so sad I’m not entering the bake off this year.
Even their cakes are in tiers.
My wife insists that guys in camouflage look sexy.
I just don’t see it.
Did u know you can tell an ants gender by putting it in water?
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats……..boy ant.
Working out is like a drug to me
I don’t do drugs
I’m scared of π
It's an irrational fear
