Blacklivesmatter?
I wanted to be a monk…
But I never got the chants.
True story, happened in grad school when we had to learn fortran for some reason
https://ift.tt/3009lyq
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci'
A son went up to his dad one day and asked him the difference between hypothetical and reality.
“Well, son, I could explain it. But it would be better if I showed you.” “Ok, dad. How will you do that?” “Go up to your mom and ask her if she would have sex with her boss for $500,000.” So the son asks his mom, and she responds back with “fuck yeah I would!” The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’” “Ok. Now go ask your sister if she would have sex with her principal for $500,000.” So the son asks his sister, and she responds with “Fuck yeah I would!” The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’” “Ok son. Now the hypothetical situation is that we are now millionaires. But the reality is that we live with a couple of whores.”
Can’t wait to see Liam Neeson’s new film
Taken: Out Of Context.
A kiss might make her day.
But anal will make her hole weak.
I said to my Jamaican date…”Leafy…Stalky…Branchy…”
"What?" she asked, confused. I said, "You asked me to describe myself in tree words."
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss
They don’t do the reverse cowgirl in Alabama.
You never turn your back on family.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But none of them seem to work
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Knock knock
Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
I don’t get how Russians didn’t see the demise of the Soviet Union coming
There were red flags all over the place
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?
Skele tons! Stay spooky my dudes
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
I drive around and sell pies. Key Lime for $6 and Pecan pie for $8.
Those are the pie rates of the car I be in. (I married two old jokes together, I hope that’s ok)
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favorite Disney movie?
IT'S FUCKING FROZEN!!!
A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.
They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
Time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana
No text found
My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!
Never knew he was a barber
My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
You know what I said to the salesman today who tried to sell me a coffin?
That's the last thing I need.
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: “Jesus knows you’re here.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot. “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked. “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.” The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?” “Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?” “The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
Do not use “BEEFSTEW” as a password
It's not stroganoff
Autocorrect…
Makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.
What’s 6.9?
A good time ruined by a period.
I don’t trust the sea
it looks fishy
My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks straight from the bottle.