Blacklivesmatter?
What do you do if you break your leg in two places?
Never, EVER go back to those two places.
A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar
And that was just the first guy
Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope…
What’s dark humor?
A boy asks his mom: "Hey, mom, what is dark humor?" "See that disabled man over there?" She says "But mom, I'm blind" "Exactly, honey"
Ever hear the joke about the monorail?
It's a one-liner
Whenever I’m sad my friend always says “cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water”
I know he means well… Edit: WOAH! my first silver. Thank you anonymous stranger!
Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “what’s the WiFi password?”
The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first.” So the guy buys a beer, and asks again, “what’s the WiFi password?” The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first, all lowercase, no spaces or punctuation.”
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”
I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”
“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!” “-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.”
The skydiving instructor asked if there were any questions.
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him. He said, It is, indeed. I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke. When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.
My wife said I’m the cheapest person she ever met
I'm not buying it
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
The water. Butane is lighter fluid.
I wasn’t sure if I liked my beard…
But it’s growing on me.
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse. "That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!" The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
I was going to study Nietzsche’s philosophy.
Then I just thought, it's meaningless.
The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
“You’re addicted!”
"No, I'm not. And stop calling me Ted!"
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a–base
My dad died yesterday.
Now he makes deadjokes.
Why don’t burns go to college?
Because they've already got their degrees.
I’ve been telling people about the benefits of dried grapes.
It's about raisin awareness.
I went to see an Egyptian doctor to try and fix my back…
He's a Cairo-practor…
Just so everyone is clear
I will put my glasses on.
How quickly did the costume store employees clean up the sombrero spill?
At the drop of a hat!
Apparently you can’t use beefstew as a password…
It's not stroganoff.
I asked my father if he could leave his guitar collection to my children when he passes
He said that's music to his heirs
A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.
He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross between a bald eagle and a harp seal."
Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: ‘‘Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.’’ ‘‘Oh no!’’ President Trump exclaims. ‘‘That’s terrible!’’ His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ‘‘How many is a brazillion?’’
Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we are?" Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
