Blame
What did the 3 tampons say to each other at the bus stop?
Nothing, they were stuck up cunts
Once i told a hammer joke
I nailed it.
-Doctor, ive tried everything to find love but it just wont work, what else can i do?
-Have you tried shaving your mustache? -No -Well you should, Karen.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar…
You canโt tell me thatโs just a coincidence
Someone keeps leaving celery on my doorstep…
I think I'm being stalked! EDIT: a word
A man is walking home late one foggy night…
when behind him he hears: BUMP!โฆ BUMP!โฆ BUMP!โฆ Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP!โฆ BUMP!โฆ BUMP!โฆ Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTERโฆ FASTERโฆ BUMPโฆ BUMPโฆ BUMPโฆ He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… Clappity-BUMPโฆ Clappity-BUMPโฆ Clappity-BUMPโฆ โฆon his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casketโฆ and… The coffin stops.
Iโve been having to use lettuce as TP since the Covid craziness
The worst part is the news says this is just the tip of the iceberg and what I need to use as TP tomorrow romaines to be seen. Stay safe kids, Dad
Iโll never let my children watch the orchestra
Thereโs way too much sax and violins
Two women meets in the afterlife,
-Hello, My name is Mia! -Hello. Mine is Emma. How'd you die? -Well… I froze to death. -Oh my.. what a terrible way to die! -Well it wasn't that bad. I was shivering from cold, but then I felt a warmness and I got really sleepy, Then I died. How did you die? -I had a heart attack. I thought that my husband cheating on me, so I left work early to catch him red-handed. Then I saw him just watching television. -What happened after? -I was certain that there was an another woman in the house. So I furiously started to search the whole house. Under the bed, the roof, closets but I couldn't. I was too tired of searching, I just had an heart attack. (Mia starts to laugh) -What's so funny? -Oh dear.. if you checked the fridge we both would be still alive!
Someone called me average today.
That's mean.
A man walks in to a bar and says “I’ll have a rum and coke.”
The bartender says "is pepsi okay?" and the man agrees. The bartender comes back with a drink and says "here's your pepsi and coke, that'll be $11.50"
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work…
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning. Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey. Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so. A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned. So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost. He said, "You were right, honey, you were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
Why did the dolphin delete the universe? Because:
(The punchline was removed from the universe)
teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, 8, 10…?
steven: even numbers stephen: ephen numbers
God: “I didn’t say trumpets would signal the end of the world.”
"I said Trump/Pence."
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it
It means my illegal logging business is a success
They say today is Pi Day
but for me it will always be cake day!
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursomeโฆ
I guess now it's clear why everybody calls me handsome.
I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that heโs a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, โWell, Iโm not Happy!โ
I said, โWell, which one are you?!โ And thatโs when the fight began.
Amazon has come up with a new service where they will deliver custom made shirts within 48 hours of ordering.
Itโs called Tailor Swift.
The light bulb comes on for a very stable genius with a good brain, probably the best brain
https://ift.tt/2vQx8UT
My wife just got her breast pump going…
So my wife just got her breast pump all set up. She's got the double suckers rolling, tits out, milk flowing like a minor tributary. And I ASK "ARE YOU PUMPED?!" fucking genius…. She stared silently for like 10 seconds. Then told me to post here.
You can’t spell advertisements without semen..
..between the tits.
I donโt just play soccer cause I like the sport.
Iโm just in it for kicks.
![Shuri has an amazing sense of humor [Movie Details]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/c7hna7okboz11-400x521.jpg)
My penis is like a joke on reddit..
People seeing it for the first time usually laugh. And those who have seen it before get mad that theyโre seeing it again.
I can’t take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure-bread.
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today because…
…that's Hawai'i roll…
Hi everyone 24(F) here
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
What do you call an evil Muslim?
Muhahahahahahammed
There’s alot of panic regarding the E.Coli outbreak in North America.
But I think people should romaine calm.
Where do Muslim llamas come from?
Alpacastan! …I'm not sorry.
Iโm not a one trick pony
I know multiple tricks, and Iโm not a pony
My wife yelled at me for having no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They checked the reviews……………. only one star.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, โDo you know how to drive this thing?โ
