He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.” The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!” We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her every need. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.' The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You're lying !!!” The social worker said, “Yeah, well . . . you started it.”
One happened to put the letter T into a toy stacking cup I was holding. I tried to give it to him but he didn't want it. So I turned to my other son and said, "Hmm, guess it's not his cup of T". Neither 3yo got it so I had to tell someone.
“No, I don't think they'll fit me.” Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says “silly daddy”. She’s 3 🙂
…when will the U.S. government start arming them?
A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!
Because I put on the wrong socks this morning
That's the spirit.
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."
It's really hard to be leaf.
A man is lying sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater before the show has even started. An usher walks by, notices the man and says, “Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”
The man groans, but remains seated. The usher becomes impatient with the man, "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved" Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments, he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police. Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, "Alright buddy, what's your name?" "Sam." the man moans. "And where ya from Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony…"
I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets
…exclaimed Dave, crestfallen.
A receding airline.
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
People were really grateful.
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
Apparently you’re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say “get a load of this guy” every time someone walks in.
"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it." The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie." The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later with a banana and a cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor. "What the hell are you doing?" the man asks. "Trust me," says the doctor. The man, a little distressed, does as he's asked. The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and then a couple of minutes later shoves the cookie up as well. "Come back in a week with another banana and cookie." The man is unsure about the treatment but, again, has tried everything else and wants to get rid of this tapeworm. The next week he returns with another banana and cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor. After 3 weeks of this the doctor says, "OK, next week will be your final treatment. Bring me a banana and a hammer." The man comes back with the requested items. "Drop your pants and bend over the table." Trembling, knowing what's coming, the man does as he's asked. The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and waits… and waits… and waits… Eventually, the tapeworm sticks its head out and yells, "Where's my cookie?" And the doctor smashes it with the hammer.
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
He said he wouldn’t do it. Cause it would take a cent-ury.
Just for the Halibut
Lets look at the board and I'll go through it again….
I don’t know what he laced them with but I was trippin’ all day
Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.
It blew my mind—I've been his customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber.
I had some big shoes to fill.
I didn't even know they could knit!
Because you can’t C in the dark