Blessed spice
I found out that missing eyebrows is an odd genetic trait in our family.
Dad didn't look surprised when I told him.
The opposite of Microsoft Office is…
Macrohard Onfire.
After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
Neodymium doped Glass changes color depending on the wavelength of the light hitting it.
https://ift.tt/2NXvk2L
My doctor told me I had Type-A blood…
sadly it was a Type-O
I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were.
She said "They're right behind you".
It wasn’t fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few years ago.
Now I can look back and laugh.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
Yo mama so ugly…
she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.
The *For Biden* files.
Did you know that before the crowbar was invented
They just drank at home.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain
To keep each udder dry
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion
They would call it crucifact.
I tried to explain my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants,
but he's still making fun of me.
A book fell on my head
I've only got myshelf to blame….
My dyslexia teacher stole my Volkswagen Golf.
What a stupid old gti.
Magician: “For this trick I’m gonna dissapear”
Magician: Looking at pear “You’re ugly!”
I was going to put a vegetable joke in here
But you don't carrot all. That was corny. Don't beet yourself up about it. This is below my celery. Lettuce go our seperate ways.
In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30’s,
… but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.
Dad;*walking around with a shirt with corn on a cob printed on*
Me; "What are you wearing??" Dad; "its my crop top"
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
Being ugly every day sucks.
Yes
https://ift.tt/2Hh05xn
I’m unhappy because my neighbor’s sheep aren’t clipped properly.
I can't stand that kind of shear incompetence.
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
I’ll always remember what my grandfather said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson…How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.
You could say it's very prophetable.
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I just got a new job at a prison library.
It has its prose and cons.
How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?
A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.
You know what tv show predicted Trump’s election?
Orange is the new black.
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
They’re his watch dogs!
