Blind Date
My father always told me “If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!”
I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.
Stop saying life is a joke. It isn’t.
A joke has meaning.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said ‘are you sure?
Then I said 'im definite
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
If I could shoot rockets out of my feet,
I would call them missile toes. Have a Merry Christmas and happy holidays!
When my wife and I got married, I was completely broke. But she stood by me.
She had to. We only had one chair.
I just yelled, “F, YOU GUYS!” at my students.
I love being a music teacher.
I wasn’t sure if I should post this here, because it’s only funny under certain circumstances
certain circumstances funny
I don’t know if this qualifies but I laughed when I first saw it and now it makes me sad…
https://ift.tt/2SRCrwy
When I was 18 I wanted to kill myself…
But I'm a procrastinator, so I picked up smoking.
I can’t believe Kim Jon Un wants to nuke South Korea
Does he have no Seoul
Wrong E-mail Address
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife set to fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent it. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Date: July 19, 2010 Subject: I've Arrived I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
I love the way the earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had reptile dysfunction
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
My neighboor rang my doorbell at 5 am..
Luckily I was already up, playing drums.
there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.
and then there’s you, without both.
Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years
The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable
I just found out that a distant relative of mine was a cannibal and ate 3 people.
That’s a lot to digest.
Twenty years ago, I married my best friend in the whole world.
If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
I asked my wife to dress up as my favorite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.
I walked into the bedroom, and I was shocked! "Honey, Jabba the Hut is not my favorite Star Wars character" I said. "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed you asshole!"
I had to break up with my midget girlfriend today.
She wouldn’t get her nose out of my business. I was nuts over her though
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.
"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine!" He explains, "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers though."
Why should you never tell a secret in the country?
The potatoes have eyes The corn has ears And the beans are all stalkers
My girlfriend is a half-Korean
Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.
Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.
After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks. Kim stares at him. The ducks start flying away. Kim turns to his Minister of Defense. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of Defense raises his shotgun, shoots at the flock of ducks, and misses. Kim stares angrily at him, grabs his own shotgun, raises it, fires, and misses. Immediately the Minister of Propaganda shouts "Look! Flying dead ducks!"
Did you hear the one about Oedipus and Midas?
It was motherfucking gold.
This joke is about ghosts. You wanna hear it?
That's the spirit.
A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” the vet says, “Let’s have a look at him.” The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes. After a few second the he says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down.” The shocked owner replies, “what?! Because he’s cross-eyed?!” “No, because he’s heavy.”
URGENT!!!! Anybody knows how to put the ring back on a grenade?!
I need an answer like RIGHT NOW!!!
I’m tired of hearing people say that age is just a number
When it's clearly a word!
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
What do they put in IPhone batteries?
Apple juice
I busted a nut
https://imgur.com/gallery/7muPMMy
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
I just saw my first porno…
And damn I looked good back then.
I saw a sign that said ‘do not touch’, however there was something weird about the sign….
I couldn't put my finger on it….
On average, a panda feeds for approximately 12 hours a day. It’s the same with humans under quarantine.
That’s why it’s called a “Pandemic”.
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”