Blind Date
What’s a horses favorite alcoholic beverage?
Chardoneigh
Sadly, I’ve lost 20% of my sight
Sigh…..
So someone gave me a used glove and new one….
So I got one second hand and one first hand.
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn’t heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
Why can’t Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
Jesus’ brother, James: Boss, my brother just died. I need the day off.
Boss: No problem. (3 days later) James: Boss, my brother is in town. I need the day off. Boss: Wait a second…
Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye
Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit
How do you write a cliffhanger?
No text found
What do you call the security guards at the Samsung store?
Guardians of the Galaxy
My 72 year old uncle posted this. Not gonna lie, it gave me a bit of a chuckle
https://ift.tt/2GwyuGc
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
You were named after Adolf Hitler.
He was named first!
![You may get this [insert shitty Samsung emojis]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/cvsim38ov4931-400x437.jpg)
Happy National Limerick Day!! Here’s the classic one for you if you didnt know it.
There once was man from Nantucket Who's dick was so long he could suck it He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.
Rolled my first joint last night.
God my ankle hurts this morning.
A man with a stutter answers an ad for “bible salesman wanted”.
He walks into the office and says " I wanna suh, suh, sell buh, buh, buh, bibles ! " The office manager, holding back a laugh, replies "sure thing, just take this here box and go door-to-door until they are gone. Then come back for more." The office manager is amazed when the man comes back the next day and says "I nuh, nuh, nuh, need muh, muh, more buh, buh, buh, buh, bibles ! " The office manager is dumbstruck but agrees to give the man another box, with one condition. "You have to tell me how you did it. "He says. "Well I just nah, nah, nock on the duh, duh, duh, door and say, I'm suh, suh, suh, selling buh, buh, buh, bibles. Wuh, wuh, wuh, would you like to buh, buh, buh, buy one or should I reh, reh, reh, READ IT TO YOU? "
What does a tree say once it’s spring?
What a releaf!
Apparently my friends started a hula hooping club but never told me about it.
They kept me out of the loop.
What do you call a cheap prostitute?
Quarter pounder.
It was Monday and John called his boss because he was sick.
"Boss, can I get a day off? I'm sick today." "No problem, you will make it up when you feel better. Is it something serious and will you be gone for a longer period?", the boss asked. "I'll be coming in tomorrow, don't worry" John replied."Great, I will see you tomorrow then." Then it was Tuesday. John came to job, in perfect health, thanked the boss for the day off and was working as usual. So the week passed, then the weekend and it was already next Monday. "Boss, I'm sorry to call you again, but can I get this Monday off as well? I'm sick." A bit weird, two Mondays in a row, but what can you do, the boss thought. It's just a coincidence. "Sure, no problem. You'll make it up when you're feeling better", the boss replied. And so came Tuesday. Boss was worried about John, but didn't want to pry, so he let it slide. John worked as usual that time, and for the rest of the week. Then, the next Monday arrived. "Boss, I'm really sorry, but can I have this Monday off as well?" John asked. Boss knew something was off, but better not to have John around sick he though, if he was even really sick, so he decided to talk in private, after John was feeling better. "Ok John", the boss replied. "This is getting weird but you just rest, you can't function while you're sick. I suppose I'll see you tomorrow?". "Yes, I'll be coming tomorrow as usual. John was at work the next day so boss decided to find out what was going on. "John, we need to talk. One Monday is not a problem, two Mondays in a row are a bit weird but things happen, but three Mondays are no coincidence. What is happening? I need an explanation." The boss was not happy at all. John decided to be honest. "Well, here is the thing. Every Monday, before work, I go to my cousin for a cup of tea. Every time we start drinking tea, chatting, and we always end up having sex." "Oh my god! Sex, with your cousin? You're sick!" "Well I told you so!" Sorry if I misspelled something, heard the joke it in my native language.
My friend begged me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe
I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?
McDonald’s ice cream machine
My wife said she’s going to leave me if I don’t stop with the click bait
You wont believe what happened next!
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
Several copies of The Age of Reason and Common Sense fell on me.
I'm in a lot of Paine.
What do you call a pit full of donkeys?
An asshole
Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No. I think most of them smell that way.
Me: Can I leave work early? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
Me: Ok, 45 past 60. Boss: You’re fired.
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant: “How much is Barbie?”
“Well,” she says. “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.” “Hey, hang on,” the guy asks. “Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?” “Yeah, well, it’s like this, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
I have a russian friend who’s a sound engineer.
And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.
I hate immigrants…
If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there…
As a wheat farmer, I keep having these strange headaches…
My doctor said it's my grains…
I got fired from my job at the bank today
An old lady asked me to check her balance – so I pushed her over
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
