Blind man explains the positive things about being blind
At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me…
Guess I went a little too far with that joke.
What do you call a math problem that you can touch and feel?
An algebraille equation.
I only lasted a month at the calender factory.
They fired me after taking a day off
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?
They got stuck at C
This is going to be the first year that I haven’t taken a vacation in Paris, because of the pandemic.
Usually it is due to lack of money
My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
Paranormal entitties.
Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up
My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings
Canβt say that Iβm surprised
My wife said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Doctor’s Affair
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
What do you call a constipated detective
No shit Sherlock
What is the definitions of a will?
You guys should know this one, itβs easy, a dead giveaway.
I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body
Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.
Joke
You could view the cross on the cover of the Holy Bible as a big time spoiler….
Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?
Cause truants don't go to school! (I came up with this right now)
So I was building a fence the other day
It went up without any problems, but I was worried the whole time that it would insult me. because it was so offensive.
Coworker dressed as Chewbacca: “This costume is too hot to work in, I’ll never do that again”
Its ok it was a wookie mistake
The spoon in a waiter’s pocket catches the customer’s attention
The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The customer is visibly impressed. He then notices something else. He asks "Is that the same reason you have a ketchup bottle in your apron?" The waiter says "Exactly!" The customer says "One last question. Why is there a string coming out of your fly?" The waiter explains "That string is tied to my penis. When i go pee, i just have to unzip and then give it a tug. That way, i save valuable time not having to wash my hands." The customer says "I see. But how do you get your penis back in your pants without touching it?" The waiter replies "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use my spoon."
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, βWhat happened before The Big Bang?β
He said, βSorry. No time.β
What do you call Indiana Jones in a Scandinavian river?
Harrison Fjord
I got a root vegetable stuck in my eat and when i went to the hospital they ignored me!
It's like they didn't carrot all.
My sister bet me $15 that i couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as i drove pasta.
I recently failed my Medical College entrance exam because of nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.
Whenever I’m sad my friend always says “cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water”
I know he means well… Edit: WOAH! my first silver. Thank you anonymous stranger!
If you have a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye?
Beauty. It's in the eye of the bee-holder.
What’s a narcoleptic’s favorite country?
Hibernation
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, “There’s something I must confess.”
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright." "No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker." "I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you… Now close your eyes."
Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time
Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.
Bad knock-knock joke #1
Knock, knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? Okay, W-H-O.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide
