Block 100, funny am right
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
My wife texted me: “Why are you typing everything in lowercase?”
Me: i stopped giving a shift.
I have many jokes about unemployed people,
sadly none of them work.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Not all math puns are terrible.
Just sum.
An antivaxer has a heart attack. He’s rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.
Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?” The antivaxer thinks and says, “I know there must be reasons, beyond our understanding, why evil is allowed to exist. But why on Earth do you allow the evil, corrupt system of vaccines to exist?!” God shakes His head, patiently. “My child,” He says, “It is not evil to be mistaken. Which is to your benefit, because in this case, the mistake is yours. Just as so many people have tried to tell you over the years, vaccines are effective and far safer than the diseases they protect against. I give you My Word on that. Now, return, with My Peace upon you.” Suddenly, the antivaxer is staring up at the ceiling of an operating room, as his heart starts beating on its own once more. By the time he's able to receive visitors, the man is desperate to talk to his antivax friends, to let them know the vital truth he brought back from the other side. He calls them all and insisted that they be there at his side the very minute he's cleared to see anyone – he has huge, huge, HUGE news for them. Finally, his friends are gathered around him, and he motions for them to gather close. “It turns out,” he starts, “the conspiracy goes a LOT higher up than we thought…”
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
My half-brother is 6’5
Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother
until my mom took the urn from me.
Two termites walk into a bar and ask
Is the bar tender here?
A nun is in the bath
Shes hears a knock on the door and a man says "can i come in". "who are you?" she asks nervously. "Im the blind man" he replies. "Oh well in that case come in" she says relieved. The man walks in. "Nice tits" he says "Now where shall I hang these blinds?"
I love the way the Earth rotates…
It really makes my day.
My phone just told me “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
It must be in Airplane! mode.
My statistics professor told us that the larger the sample size, the more reliable are your averages.
The N’s justify the means.
My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?
Because they can't spell toboggan. – Stanley G. Kapuscinski
Told my fiance that I think our dog is depressed.
She asked me why and I said that everytime we get home, I say hello to him and ask how his day was. He answers with "Rough! Rough!"
Do you know why there are fewer ‘all men are trash’ posts now?
Christmas is coming
My dentist pulled a wrong tooth
it was accidental
FINALY, my clock-fetish sex tape arrived in the mail…
…it's about fucking time.
There are 3 genders
Male Female IMAGINATION
A Chinese child was born before his due date…
His parents named him "Sudden Lee"
4 people having sex is called a foursome
3 people having sex is called a threesome Now I know why they call me handsome.
Why couldn’t the banana yell high?
It could only yellow.
What do you call a row of bunnies walking backwards
A receding hareline
