bLoCK 1o0!¡!
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.” “I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.” “I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?” “Anything, Father.” “I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours…” “Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.” The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. “Sister, would you mind if I touched them?” She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. “Father, could I ask something of you?” “Yes, Sister?” “I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?” “I suppose that would be OK,” the Priest replied lifting his robe. “Oh Father, may I touch it?” The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. “Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.” “Is that true Father?” “Yes, it is, Sister.” “Oh Father, that’s wonderful… stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!”
There was a joke about fishing I was going to tell you…
Oh no, I forgot the line!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I said to my wife, “I need to call the doctor today.” She asked, “Which doctor?”
"No, the regular kind."
If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate
And I'll name the other "DupliKate"
I told my date that a guy like me is hard to find.
She didn't believe me. So I said, "Just ask the police."
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb
Let's go ride bikes!
Wind
Nature’s biggest fan
A driving teacher asks his student “There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?”
Student: "My wife" DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"
I pour my root beer into a square cup.
Now it's just beer.
This man’s boss said, “You can have a week off if you want to.”
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
There’s only 1 rule in learning English
1.) Their our know rules
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a major scandal
I just imagine Elon-Gate would be really drawn out….
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith. "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
I just yelled, “F, YOU GUYS!” at my students.
I love being a music teacher.
If you boil a funny bone…
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… It’s Humerus.
Birthdays are good for your health
Studies have proven that people who have more of them live longer.
Why can’t Harry Potter differentiate between his best friend and a cooking pot
They're both cauldron
My wife just gave birth to a set of identical twins. She named the first one Pete.
I named the second one Repeat.
iron told carbon a joke so funny…
that he decided to steel it
My wife said “you have a terrible sense of direction,”
So I packed my stuff up and right
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage…
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle??
A polar bear
My daughter just dropped a dad joke that made me super proud.
We're celebrating my daughter's 4th birthday party today. She puts her giant number 4 balloon on her head, turns to me and says "Look daddy, it's a four-head!"
What’s the difference between your Wife and your Job?
Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks.
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale.
