bLoCK 1o0!¡!
What do you call a rude cactus?
A prick I’m deeply sorry
If I had a Nickle For every Time I was Clueless, I’d be Like
How the f*** did I get all these nickles?
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door
If A is for apple, and B is for banana, then what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
I sprayed some deodorant in my mouth.
Now, when I talk, I have this weird Axe-scent
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I’d choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an Entrée-preneur
I hate immigrants…
If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there…
My 7yo just pulled an UNO reverse dad joke on me.
Homework time.. complaining, I don’t wanna, etc. Me: Nicky, I’m getting upset. Nicky: Well, hello, Getting Upset, I’m Nicky. Then he dabbed and walked away. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this.
I don’t mean to make sweeping generalizations…
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
Did you hear about the transgender vegan?
He was a herbefor
I left my wife because she was so obsessed with counting..
I wonder what she's up to now 🤔
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she’s been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back
I said "where are you going?" He replied "Fancy dress party" "What as?" I asked "Tortoise" the man shouted back "Who's she?" I questioned To which he responded "That's Michelle"
I asked my sheepdog how many sheep we had, he said 40.
"What? We should only have 37!" I replied. "I know" he said, "I rounded them up".
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride!
What’s the difference between an asteroid and a meatball?
One is meteor ☄️
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
I don’t trust umbrellas.
They're shady.
Do u know the difference between a vitamin and a hormone ?
Can’t hear a vitamin
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
We all know the show is called spongebob squarepants
But Patrick is the star
A man was told by his doctor that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
literally they all complain about kids and talk about hating their wife holy shit
https://ift.tt/2Ocoyq2
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.
“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.” “You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”
Does my thai girlfriend have a dick
Something inside me is telling me yes
Hello everyone! I’m a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I will be in my Lab if you need me.
I slept with a blind woman the other night. It went pretty well, mostly.
Once the clothes came off she said to me "You have the biggest dick I have ever laid my hands on" I said, "Stop pulling my leg."
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches. "Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter. "To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son… his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day." Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?" The man looks back; "… Pinocchio?"
Here are two reasons why no one should drink toilet water.
Number 1. Number 2.
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.