Bloomberg 101
“He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword” said Jesus
the carpenter who was nailed to some wood
The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.
Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
First time I went to an art museum, I was shocked that I couldn’t swipe the paintings…
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In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, “That’s not it” and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
A lawyer’s trick . . .
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.” The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.” The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”
If you are planning on stealing another election, it’s best to hire criminals
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My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type…
As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him.
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital
So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably …dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?"
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
Did you hear about the hit and run in Nepal?
They found Himalayan in the street!
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
If laziness was an Olympic sport.
I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
Why did EA cross the road?
Buy the DLC to find out
Whats the rudest type of elf?
A gofuckyourself.
What’s the difference between yogurt and America?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused on my trip to Japan
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
If it helps others or those less fortunate, then he will always ignore the problem
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I was wondering why music was coming from my printer?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
Is it the first line or the punchline that goes here?
In the days of the wild west, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the fastest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being a fast gun in his day. The young gunslinger took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, how fast are you?" The young man drew his pistol pretty quick and before anyone knew it, then shoots the hat off of the piano player's head!" The old man looks over at the piano player and says to the young man, "Well, that wasn't bad. But you're wearing your gun too high. You should have your holster lower on your leg so you can get to your gun quicker when you draw. And son, tie the holster down on your leg." The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his Colt Peacemaker and shot the tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the young gunslinger. "Got any more tips for me?" "Yup," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me faster?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cuff link off the piano player. "Wow!" said the young gunslinger. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it. Just but the gun in it, layer it with grease! " The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-time, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a faster gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Probably not!" said the old-timer, "But when Doc Holliday gets done playing that song on the piano, that grease will make it hurt less when he shoves that gun up your ass!"
A picture went to jail today,
I think it was framed.