Blowjob
As I handed my Dad his 47th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough."
Went shopping for cherries and a microphone the other day.
Bought a bing. Bought a boom.
An 18-wheeler filled with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway today.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!
Aspen colonies are the world’s largest organisms, consisting of up to 40,000 trees in one root network
Aspen colonies are the world’s largest organisms, consisting of up to 40,000 trees in one root network
God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.
God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?" "Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was awesome. We're going to call it 'sex'!" God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You and Eve must both be punished." He looks around. "Where is Eve anyway?" Adam replies "well, she enjoyed it so much she wants to do it again. She's down by the river washing her vagina." "Oh, great" God replies. "Now, on top of everything else, all the fish will smell funny too!"
Are iron chelators indicated in primary and secondary hemochromatosis or just secondary?
Zanki GI deck insinuates iron chelators are used for primary hemochromatosis, but the zanki pharm deck says you dont normally use them in primary hemochromatosis, and mainly just in secondary or iron toxicity.
Her: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?
Me: That’s a…..novel idea.
20 minutes into Disney+ and chill…
and I've already got a friend in me.
Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end. Life guard noticed and started blowing his whistle.
I was so scared, I almost fell in.
I got lead poisoning from a Dr. Pepper knock-off
I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender
My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on
I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.
Women are actually turning into good drivers.
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning.
Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?
… so they can beat the crowds!
I’m frightened of elevators
I’m taking steps to avoid them now
What rhymes with orange
No it doesn’t.
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.
A sheepdog was working with a farmer to get the sheep into the pen.
When he was finished, he said to the farmer, "That's all fifty sheep!" Confused, the farmer said, "But I only have forty-eight sheep." The sheepdog replied, "I know. I rounded them up!" courtesy of my desktop dog calendar I got last xmas
My girlfriend sat on my keyboard…
I told her, " You must be sitting on the F5 key, because that butt is refreshing." … She said, "No it's Alt +F4". I just got shut down.
What a coincidence
What a coincidence
My 10 month old son is learning to wave.
At dinner I asked him where the light was so he pointed at it. I told him to wave hello to the light and luckily he did. I then looked my wife dead in the eye and told her that was the hi-light of his day.
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bath, then offer a spoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bath." "I understand," he replied. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon and the teacup." "No," replied the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Whats the opposite of minimum?
maxidad
I was going to share a joke about planes.
But I do not think it will take off.
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”.
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
The garbage man looks sad.
Yeah, he's wheelie bin depressed.
