Blursed oven cleaner
My uncle’s zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died
from being crushed by a giant crab.
TIL Mr. T’s grandmother was a pirate…
Her name was Mae T
The person who invented knock knock jokes
Should get a nobell prize
What do you call an instagram celeb who got Corona?
An influenzer.
A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
I like you, in a plutonic way.
"Don't you mean 'platonic'?" No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
Bernie said he’s going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse
On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.
I’m really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.
Now every little ting is gonna be all right!
I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.
He’s a giant banner after all.
What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
Why was F jealous of C?
Because it was hotter
A slice of Apple Pie is $2.50 in Jamaica, $2.75 in Aruba and $3.00 in the Bahamas
Those are the the pie rates of the Caribbean
Why did the mechanic sleep under the car?
He wanted to get up oily in the morning.
An international school teacher asks a question: “What’s your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”
An African student: What's food? A European student: What's scarcity? An American student: What are 'other countries'? A Chinese student: What's 'my own opinion'?
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
A husband and wife are playing a crossword puzzle
Husband: Emphatic no, 5 letters. Wife: Never. Husband: Pistol, 3 letters. Wife: Gun. Husband: Disgust, 3 letters. Wife: Ugh. Husband: Charity, 4 letters. Wife: Give. Husband: Female sheep, 3 letters. Wife: Ewe. Husband: Pixar movie, 2 letters. Wife: Up.
My wife is really annoyed at my sense of direction.
So i packed up my things and right
A man is poor so he gets a job at the juice store…
He is so happy with his job and he works very hard all day and all night. He impresses his manager and he soon gets promoted to supervisor. As supervisor, he does a great job keeping watch over the employees and is a great leader. After six months, he has done such a good job he gets promoted to manager. When the man is manager, he remodels the juice store and always makes sure he is the last one to leave the store every night. He is very hard-working and always wears a smile. One day, he catches the attention of the company president, who quickly promotes him to the company Vice President. The man is stunned and continues to demonstrate his work ethic everyday. Two months later, the company president passes away and the man is suddenly promoted to the company president. Years later, the man sits in his chair on the top floor of his company building, overlooking all of his hard work. In the distance, he sees all of his juice stores, each one with a long line out the door. He sees the orange juice line, the grape juice line, the lemonade line, but something was wrong. The man suddenly realized his big mistake. There was no punch line.
I saw my nephew after a long time, and said “Wow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!”
He said, “No. I still have two.”
Bob was in trouble.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just
A whim away a whim away a whim away
What you do get from a dwarf cow?
… condensed milk.
England doesn’t have a kidney bank…
But they do have a Liverpool
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said ‘are you sure?
Then I said 'im definite
Every naked person I see turns me on
Said the shower head.
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives
A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.
“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims. “Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says. “Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”“Oh, that’s nothing” The 90 year old says. “I have it the worst!”“Can you pee?” The first man asks.“Certainly! Every morning at 7, I pee like a champion.”“Can you poop?” The second man asks.“Yes I can! Each morning at 8, I have a regular bowel movement.”“Then I don’t understand what the problem is!” The first man says.“Well, I wake up at 9!”
Ok boomer bad. Ban good.
This sub is for comics that display boomer humor. It is not an ok boomer sub or boomer reaction sub. Violators will be temporarily banned.
Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?
[depleted]
Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, “What would Jesus do” ?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Why did donald trump throw the sick eagle out of USA?
Because it was an illeagle.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?
I’m excited to see how they turn out!
A lion never cheats on their wife
But a Tiger Wood.
It’s cool that last names tell us about old family professions
Like the Smith family were blacksmiths and the Bowman family were archers and the Dickinson family… well they were in jail
